love.

my friend is fabulous.
today he cooked me dinner and at one point in our conversation he said (and i quote loosely; he probably said it much more eloquently)--

lisa--
you have to expect some pain in good things.
take childbirth--it's a beautiful thing yet also painful. 

loved this analogy.
really think it's important to live by it.
always have.
though my god--it's tough these days when there's one priority in my life--myself.
sounds maybe selfish.
but ive spent all my previous years in la-la land when i still believed things like love prevailed against all.
it's not the case.
not in my experience.
and even if it did--that kind of love has fallen way far down on my list of priorities in my current life.
threw my entire self into it for two years--everything else fell away.
twas awful. amazing, yet concurrently awful bc i lost so much--most--of myself in the process.
putting myself back together was the most challenging experience of my life.
physically. emotionally. psychologically.
not that i have, risking any of that is immediately a negative knee-jerk reaction.
want to leave here unaffected.
dont think ill ever fall in love with london, ontario the way i did london, england. seoul. edmonton, even.
but at this point--definitely know ill be leaving some incredible things.
but am i ready to risk leaving with the potential of not wanting to leave?
sorry--ridiculously convoluted.
but hope it makes sense.
it at least all makes sense in my this head of mine.

-------------------------

today was just awful.
roads were horrible, snowy.
took two hours just to get to and from an interview.
by the time we got back--an hour to air.
and also just juggling a few different assignments all at once.

ready to pass out.
but have to pack.
more to-do lists.
will advise soon. :)