notes from underground

love.

2012-01-31T00:46:00.001-05:00

my friend is fabulous.
today he cooked me dinner and at one point in our conversation he said (and i quote loosely; he probably said it much more eloquently)--

lisa--
you have to expect some pain in good things.
take childbirth--it's a beautiful thing yet also painful.

loved this analogy.
really think it's important to live by it.
always have.
though my god--it's tough these days when there's one priority in my life--myself.
sounds maybe selfish.
but ive spent all my previous years in la-la land when i still believed things like love prevailed against all.
it's not the case.
not in my experience.
and even if it did--that kind of love has fallen way far down on my list of priorities in my current life.
threw my entire self into it for two years--everything else fell away.
twas awful. amazing, yet concurrently awful bc i lost so much--most--of myself in the process.
putting myself back together was the most challenging experience of my life.
physically. emotionally. psychologically.
not that i have, risking any of that is immediately a negative knee-jerk reaction.
want to leave here unaffected.
dont think ill ever fall in love with london, ontario the way i did london, england. seoul. edmonton, even.
but at this point--definitely know ill be leaving some incredible things.
but am i ready to risk leaving with the potential of not wanting to leave?
sorry--ridiculously convoluted.
but hope it makes sense.
it at least all makes sense in my this head of mine.

-------------------------

today was just awful.
roads were horrible, snowy.
took two hours just to get to and from an interview.
by the time we got back--an hour to air.
and also just juggling a few different assignments all at once.

ready to pass out.
but have to pack.
more to-do lists.
will advise soon. :)

your red dress.

2012-01-29T23:42:00.002-05:00

there was a period in my life in undergrad.
tail end of high school fumbling to beginning of steady footing in all aspects.
i was three years between a high school boyfriend that ended soon after i started first year--and one that began in the last few months of my fourth year.
those three years embodied one of the most evasive periods in my life.
in that i just cant seem to qualify who i was, where i wanted to go.
i talked about two great limbos in my life--post-LSE and post-korea.
those two were huge, in that i knew what i wanted--just had to figure out next steps in getting there.
but the three years in university--those were something else.
had just started journalism.
hated print. even though i was writing for a community paper. school paper.
freelanced an article to the globe and mail, even.
but my heart wasnt in print writing. just creative.
wasnt until i got the two internships summer after third year.
started doing broadcast.
then i knew.
that grey period extended to all areas.
in short--in my opinion--all the boys were just light years behind. mentally, emotionally.
this period was almost four years ago maybe.
just the other day--out of the blue--an apology. recantation? something.
it's weird.
is it bc ive stopped giving a shit re: that aspect of my life that everything has suddenly began coming full circle?

---------------------------------------------------

your red dress

i was thinking of you fondly the other day, you write
your red dress is burned into my cerebellum

you talk about those formative years
how big a fool you were
though we were
both
young, naive

you didnt know
what
you wanted
and i realised later
i wanted
more

something more cerebral.

2012-01-29T21:18:00.003-05:00

all right--to balance out the last poetry post--something more cerebral.
erica jong is one of my favourite poets. if not my absolute favourite.
she writes in similar style to me.
so candidly, too. gah. cant describe. just read--

After the Earthquake.

After the first astounding rush,
after the weeks at the lake,
the crystal, the clouds, the water lapping the rocks,
the snow breaking under our boots like skin,
& the long mornings in bed. . .
After the tangos in the kitchen,
& our eyes fixed on each other at dinner,
as if we would eat with our lids,
as if we would swallow each other. . .
I find you still
here beside me in bed,
(while my pen scratches the pad
& your skin glows as you read)
& my whole life so mellowed & changed
that at times I cannot remember
the crimp in my heart that brought me to you,
the pain of a marriage like an old ache,
a husband like an arthritic knuckle.
Here, living with you,
love is still the only subject that matters.
I open to you like a flowering wound,
or a trough in the sea filled with dreaming fish,
or a steaming chasm of earth
split by a major quake.
You changed the topography.
Where valleys were,
there are now mountains.
Where deserts were,
there now are seas.
We rub each other,
but we do not wear away.

yet another poem for my dear friend.

2012-01-29T20:47:00.000-05:00

dear mr. olmsted--
why cant you frollick with me in bed.
bc of a certain egghead (named matt)?
dude--that wanker has no street cred.
pretty sure he's off his meds.
oh, ry pie--pls choose me instead!

-----------------------

adore coming up with these things on the fly for my friends. they give me just as much joy as the slightly more cerebral stuff. :)

you can also read my first poetic endeavour in his honour here.

in my defense. :)

2012-01-29T11:29:00.000-05:00

a: and i try sooooooo hard to be a hipster. ;)
b: what with your instagram talk. and dare i say... american apparel. :o i take that back. low blow.
a: it's ok. ppl disapprove of my ' mild interest' in aa all the time!
b: i bet youve called it a 'healthy obsession' in the past too...
a: you got me. but ive decided to further modify it for the sake of accuracy. ;)
b: to be more hispter? :P
a: ahh horrible! you know, i really deny it bc hipsters get such a bad rap. and it's associated with being disingenuous. which id like to think im not. :)
b: id say your blog saves you there. and your 50mm lens. passion for work. zest for life... that's where i draw the line.

there you have it. finally.
ive been able to articulate why im so vehemently in denial of being a hipster.
all it took was 2,495 years and a pretty solid conversation.

piano lessons.

2012-01-29T11:21:00.003-05:00

was driving back from hamilton this morning.
(yep--will not get the chance to sleep in at all.
even after the eight hours i got last night--still horribly groggy.
think im sick. throat hurts. head hurts.
could also be exacerbated by the fact ive gone down from two-three coffees a day.
to one-two. eep.)
aside from that--had a dream about the figure on my next paycheque.
which led me to an incident that occurred probably more than a decade ago.

as a child, i took piano lessons (of course...-_-)
went right from grade one through grade nine with the royal conservatory of music.
hated it horribly.
an hour a day is tough for a kid to do.

(luckily i did, though--bc i never had to do a customer service job in school.
in grade 10, through a co-op with some friends in OAC, was offered a part time teaching job at a music studio in hamilton.
so when i was 15, started teaching both vocal and piano.
oftentimes to ppl double, triple my age.
though--i did do a week of telemarketing.
just to see what it was like.
and yes--it's exactly as people say. absolutely awful.)

i digress.
for one of my exams--im pretty sure it was the practical piano exam for grade seven in the series.
two days before they mailed my grade to pass the level in the mail--i dreamed i got precisely 87/100.
the mark comes in the mail two days later--87/100.

i am not one for believing in anything supernatural.
skeptical, at best.
but god, that was weird.
let's see if my dream last night will hold true, but i will refrain from disclosing the number.^^

comme des enfants.

2012-01-28T17:43:00.001-05:00

that last one bruised every nerve leading to spine
slashed the skin of my poor inflated heart
it reeked of wet sidewalks on somerset ave
sang french ballads by pretty girls from montreal

youre caught between squeaky floorboards
of my old bronson avenue flat
where i found a nook on your lap on near-spring days
while you colour corrected photos for sale

youre still there clenching aorta between fingers
still fleshing out this tangle of veins
dissecting decibels in our songs
that spill from mouths to fingertips

(et on se prend la main, comme des enfants
le bonheur aux lèvres, un peu naïvement
et on marche ensemble, d'un pas décidé
alors que nos têtes nous crient de tout arrêter*)

*coeur de pirate--comme des enfants
**dont know why anatomy still fascinates me so.

hi lee.

2012-01-26T23:07:00.003-05:00

excerpts from a friend i met while interning in london england four years ago.
made me smile from ear to ear.
yknow--even though we havent spoken in years--it's so unbelievably curious how i keep meeting people with whom who i can still pick up conversation even after years of busy-ness and geography in between.

Hi Lee,

How is it going? It has been a long time I didn't know anything about you. Where are you now?

In Spain some people says that there are three thing to do in life: have a baby, plant a tree and writing a blog. Now you have done one of it :).

Take care and continue being so pretty.

Kisses.

how to use twitter.

2012-01-26T14:17:00.004-05:00

i used to be very much against news stories about twitter, fb, etc.
just felt like it was copping out, in a way.
but i know im decades behind all this business.
somewhat resistant to technological (and slowly becoming societal) change.

but realised very recently that it's useless being so stubborn sometimes.
things are moving fast.
social networking things are here to say.
may as well give in.
so now--dont mind doing stories like that.

hence i had to watch a youtube tutorial about how to use twitter before i got started back in the summer. ;)

-------------------------------------------

interviewed a very eloquent prof at western the other day.
communications and media studies.
she had some brilliant points to make re: the role of these sites in our lives.
so much so i actually continued on asking her questions after i knew i had all the clips i needed for the story.

the best part--she said to me before i left--you should quit your job and come be my student!
many days--i do miss academia.
though not enough to go back full time. heh.

the journalism matters more.

2012-01-26T11:12:00.005-05:00

this wk at work has been horrid.
just always on the go.
last night--walked in at 3pm for work.
was told i was doing a live remote hit at 6pm about high collision intersections in the city.
huge long rant.
my shooter actually drove with me to the shoot bc right after--we rushed over downtown to a civic works committee meeting on the use of fluoride in our drinking water.
oh my.
45 ppl slated to speak.
took more than six hours to wrap up. that means 1am!
incredible.
we left at almost 930.
huge rush to cut and voice and then do another live for 11pm.
whew.
although at the end of the day--couldnt be happier.

talked with a friend about our physical image for our job.
i know it's a very visual medium.
thus--we have to look presentable.
dont doubt that at all.
but i really dont think im awful.
yes--some days im scatter-brained, and forget my scarf is flying about for a standup.
and bc i dont put product in my hair the wind gets the better of it.
wont ever apologise bc for me--yes, it's television--but we're not entertainment.
the journalism matters more.
and if i dont have time to put on my makeup mask, so be it.
at the end of the day--i know i should be dressing for the job i want, not the job i have.
blah blah. all that motivational stuff.
but it's the story.
journalism is not reporting.
the two arent interchangeable.
reporting can be entertainment.
talking heads on tv. sure.
journalism is a whole different beast.
and for me--that matters more.
and considering ive just started a fashion blog...think it's safe to say im doin' all right in the aesthetics department.
even if i do refuse to put makeup on unless im doing studio hits.
or i dont spent hours sitting in front of lightbulbs and a mirror.
i dont know.
it's a fine balance.
one im still exploring.

im a tired bear, babies.
pls--a hug would be nice.

unseemly.

2012-01-26T03:48:00.001-05:00

im a confused little bear these days.
boo--clarity is sometimes much too elusive.

listening to jeff buckley at almost 4am on a wednesday night.
snowboarding at 10am tomorrow.

save me, pls.
(alas...why do things happen at the most unseemly moments....)

regular content soon.

2012-01-24T20:34:00.003-05:00

working working working on fashion blog.
yes--gonna advertise a bit.

lisawearsclothes.blogspot.com

esp since im tentative to advertise on other public forums.
was talking to another journo friend who inspired me to start the blog.
about public vs. personal/social image.
now--when it comes down to it--i have no shame.
in the sense that i am absolutely unapologetic for who i am.
sounds clichedly pretentious, i know.
or mb a touch defiant.

it's always a fine balance now w. this internet telemachine thing. ;)
what people can dig up, etc.
though i think at this point ive done enough self-stalking to be reasonably comfortable with the dirt that comes up in searches. heh.
though you just never know, really.
wouldnt find my old articles popping up, though. ew.
privacy settings are pretty high for fb.
and ive gradually also made it tougher to find this blog, too.
never names.
never my own last name.

yet in the same breath i launch a full new blog with almost exclusively photos, no text.
kitty corner to this one.
mb bc--just as much as i see this venue as a creative forum. digital journal im actually motivated to maintain almost daily. log of the mess in my head....
also see a (hopefully) daily account me visually will serve the same purposes.
mb not a log of the mess in my head so much (that's all saved for words!)...but the opposite--log of everything light. visual (not mental, like this blog). a creative space.
used to paint monets on tshirts (god, that also sounds so pretentious. ick.).
though those dont really get worn as much as in high school, even dressing for work probably gives me the same amount of satisfaction.
used to think that fashion was shallow.
well--as the subhead says there--really dont enjoy accessorising. hair-brushing. make-upping. expensive designer brands. etc.
but i love, love, love creating something from nothing.

that goes for my photos. you can shoot 100 shots of a panda and one will likely be decent. but you already have a subject for you. too easy.

also goes for my writing. (dont actually click. that's just this site^^). penning words. really no explanation needed.

and most recently--it goes for my love of fashion. taking secondhand. vintage. nameless. rejected. hipster-ly unaccepted clothes from michael, the craft store. zeller's. value village. and of course the only brand to which i am wholly and completely loyal--my loveliest of loves--american apparel. taking a mishmash of things and creating something that sings.

whew. back to regular content soon. xx

worry about my heart.

2012-01-22T21:33:00.004-05:00

i want to be focused on job.
i dont want to worry about my heart.

part of a convo with a friend.
but then--who are we kidding.
nobody can really help anything.
i think im fully in control of my life right now.
stupid sunday eve musings.

happy chinese/lunar new year, babies.
xin nian kuai le!

lisa wears more clothes.

2012-01-22T01:21:00.002-05:00

finally got around to posting on the fashion blog.
still a long way to go before being caught up.
hopefully by the end of the week.
tons of stuff already up, though.
pls see.

lisawearsclothes.blogspot.com

--------------------------------

was going to head home friday eve after work.
instead--decided to stay longer.
so i could attend the electro-motive day of action rally.
been covering it for work for awhile now.
so it's near and dear to my heart.
my baby, really.
bundled up for the cold.
and as a disguise, too, really.
bc i was there to support the workers, really.
anyway. still got recognised.
how is that possible?
if you find the photo on the fashion blog, youll understand my incredulousness. :)

navigate like a maze.

2012-01-20T01:27:00.004-05:00

friend and i just went for dinner.
delicious restaurant downtown--the church key.
before i knew it--730 turns into 1am.
how the poo?
though i do know the more we talk the more cabin fever gets ahold of me.

a kindred spirit shooter is gone on vacation til the end of the month.
i miss her.
wahhh.
she needs to come back to give me sassy female advice.

work has been tough this wk.
lots of timing problems.
stories not working out.
getting re-assigned.
just an adjustment mentally on that last note, too.

home this weekend.
need a break.
but god--so sick of driving.
i miss the metro.
the lure of a city in which i can navigate like a maze.
mb it's time to cross nyc off the list for a second time.

(will finish posting to the fashion blog this weekend when i get more time. god--i hate figuring out photo layouts.)

lisa wears clothes.

2012-01-17T10:12:00.004-05:00

hi lovelies--

friend inspired me to start a fashion blog.
i dont get out much on the internet.
but some of my favourite perusing has to go to fashion blogs.
esp. those that feature american apparel. ;)
so--realised...mb a daily photo or two documenting my day-to-day work/etc wear might be just as much of a journal as this medium.
after all--i love fashion.
but not mainstream fashion.
and i try to incorporate my personal/very specific taste into work clothes.
so, again--maybe something just for me so i can look back years from now.
same purpose as this one.

here's the link.
wont hide hyperlink.
just so you guys have the address--

http://lisawearsclothes.blogspot.com

photos wont be up until tonight.
until then. xx

dont tell my homemaker friends.

2012-01-16T22:11:00.004-05:00

i keep emphasizing how my current and recent-past lifestyles dont accord with the concept of 'settling down' or 'nesting'.
this has been the case for years.
in the last seven years ive had 11 different mailing addresses.
save for maybe last year of undergrad, my living spaces have been minimal, at best.
the worst was halifax, when i VJ'd for two months summer after high school.
my friend had an extra mattress and boxspring.
i threw those in the corner.
had a computer chair as a laundry hanger/basket.
had a night table.
didnt even bother unpacking my suitcase.
closet was empty. yep.
in the uk i was in the grad dorms.
korea--my 'flat' was a poor excuse for a 'room' with an ajoined bathroom.
(if you are my fb friend--pls refer to my earliest korea photos)
(yes--still sticking to the words-only format...!)
now--have a flatmate, but our place is cute.
and now that ive 'settled' somewhere 'indefinitely'--realised on the weekend that i should just attempt to nest.
even minimally.
so i colour-coordinated shit.
neutral creams, browns.
square stuff. carpet.
little baskets to put my lotions, etc.
dunno what compelled me, really.
not just one thing, though.
realised that if i keep saying--im too nomadic. move around too much to waste resources on something that won't last.
and so if not now--will keep putting it off.
also realised this mindset is the antithesis of everything for which i stand.
hence i went out and bought stuff, revamped.
i like it a lot more.
what a difference it makes. heh.
but shhh--dont tell my homemaker friends. ;)

oceans ago.

2012-01-14T23:35:00.005-05:00

just watched like crazy.
eery how much it reminded me of two-plus years ago.
esp considering i was in london, too.
all the tube rides to and from the airport.
too-heavy luggage in tow.
the horrible, wrenching partings.
equally as intense coming-togethers.
god--it feels like oceans ago.
so glad to be out of it.
though admittedly--in the same breath--also sometimes (though very rarely!) miss feeling that intensely.
wont ever forget what it's like.
but do forget what it feels like.

unexpected journo friend.

2012-01-14T00:01:00.002-05:00

selected excerpts from a note i wrote an unexpected journo friend--

thanks for being so supportive, too. i think we're both in that same kind of mindset. the being far behind. coming back from two years abroad was awful. just awful. bc only a few of us went into tv in my graduating year...it's pretty easy to keep tabs on who's doing what...bc i did a masters. and bc i fucked off real life for another yr in korea (despite the radio freelancing), coming back just made me feel horribly behind.

the others ... are both doing really really well in their careers...so of course--i come back and i just think to myself--i havent touched tv in three fucking years. i can count on one hand how many live hits ive ever done. i havent picked up a fully rigged camera in three years as well. fuuuuck. haha. it sucked. even more so that i was missing living in a metropolis where everyone was so progressive, single, gorgeous, incredibly intelligent.... ;)

BUT--i guess what im trying to say after all of that is--your doing a masters is a really smart move. it might not feel like it's paying off in the short term. and really--it hasnt for me, either. thanks, 40,000$ debt! but as everyone always tells me, including past journo employers... and as i try really hard to convince myself--it will pay off in the long term, as cliche as that sounds. with the big stuff. sure now--you might think your classmates are doing whatever. but--in the end, your degree will be the trump card, i think.

and just look at all the stuff youre juggling right now! 99 per cent of people wouldnt take on that much shit on at once. you remind me of me in korea, dude. i was teaching eight hours a day. then taking off in a cab to do some interview. and amidst the getting plastered three times a week i was cutting stories on dinky garageband and recording my voice under a _blanket_ bc that gave the best sound. :P and as a result--people do end up considering all this. you just have to play it up, too.

you are _awesome_. just keep at it. and dude--you have bragging rights. regardless of anything else--you work at ---.

not yet.

2012-01-13T00:51:00.002-05:00

cabin fever.
cabin fever.
cabin fever.

:(

i sense another skip to nyc soon.
and a few others.
though none a scintillating as a month-long jaunt.
these are the trips i need to take, and are long overdue--

*ottawa to visit boys from jschool
*nyc to visit a friend
*DC to visit an lse friend with whom i spent new year's

---------------------------

im dying to leave.
takes all the realism, practicality i have to tell myself--

not yet.
not yet.
not yet.

connect the dots.

2012-01-13T00:08:00.005-05:00

you connect the dots with telephone string
two styrofoam cups
one on a land mass discovered by spaniards
another pillaged by the brits
you track me from country to country
continent to ocean
eventually back home

i want you in my city cubicle
stacked on top of singles
families too poor to buy open space
except there's space where i am
too much of it
so much
it suffocates

id rather your big boorish hands
around my neck
pulling hair like children
tumbling haphazardly
sliding across wires
swinging from flimsy string
that carries our voices
in tune with cold fronts
til thunder snaps its fingers
and we can no longer sing

your photos.

2012-01-11T01:12:00.004-05:00

dude. i finally got around to creeping your photos. your stuff is seriously good.

so im not one of those serious photogs who is always up to date with whose taken what when and where. i pretty much am in my own bubble when it comes to photos, so getting to look at really well shot photos is such a treat. (esp since there are just so many horrible people who get dinky d60s and a standard 17-35 or whatever and say anything with a shallow depth of field--a mug, an egg, and omg those awful horrible 'glamour' shots--. agh. i canNOT stand those. or if _everything_ is post processed to be black and white. or exposed like film did. bc it looks 'artsy'.)

#canyoutellihavenophotographerfriends
#somisunderstood
haha

in retrospect.

2012-01-11T00:44:00.004-05:00

a note i sent my friend today (name omitted to protect the wonderful)--

i found this. u wrote it recently.

'YAYY This is gonna be the best NYE EVER. the three of us are way to frickin crazy to be in the same place at once. this is dangerous. im excited :)'

hahaha. in retrospect....

re-discover the sexual.

2012-01-10T20:02:00.008-05:00

i am inspired.
there's someone i know.
who ive gotten to know much better in the last few months.
she's a couple of decades older than me.
yet her and i get along ridiculously well.
i tell her my tales of woe.
and she tells me stories from her past.
odd how they surprisingly match up.
a couple of months ago she gave me a compliment that--in my books--gets some of the highest honours in compliment-land--

lisa--thank you for helping me re-discover the sexual voraciousness of my 20s!

--------------------------

we've emailed about frivolous things in the past.
always adored the way she wrote.
sassy. self-depricating. dark humour.
today she sent me the first chapter of a novel she's working on.
within two lines--i lost it laughing.
tears at the corner of my eyes laughing.
characters are clearly based on her own experiences.
punchy.
fucking sassy as shit.
self-depricating.
hilarious.

im picky--sadly, a tad pretentious--when it comes to literature.
she just ... wow.
for someone who (thinks she can write...ie me)--i have no words for how well this chapter read.
seamless flow.
just enough description without being flowery.
also--ive wanted to do what she's done.
guess this blog is somewhat of a real-time homage to that.
just many of the stories--probably like hers--require an incubation period of a long while before getting properly penned.
so for now--in some odd way--i suppose we'll just live vicariously through each other.

(how do i keep stumbling upon so many kindred spirits everywhere i go?
in the most unlikely of places.)

dispersed across.

2012-01-09T09:46:00.003-05:00

in such a weird space right now.
living my (currently) wildly satisfying professional life here.
yet on every other front--have dispersed myself across continents.
want to go out every weekend in seoul.
want to shack up in new york.
visit a friend in bogota.
getting back into the groove of london after nyc was surprisingly less painless than anticipated.
but it doesnt mean i want it any less.
think i know im just resigned to this space for the next little while.

beast, book, body. --erica jong.

2012-01-08T07:46:00.000-05:00

I was sick of being a woman,
sick of the pain,
the irrelevant detail of sex,
my own concavity
uselessly hungering
and emptier whenever it was filled,
and filled finally
by its own emptiness,
seeking the garden of solitude
instead of men.

The white bed
in the green garden--
I looked forward
to sleeping alone
the way some long
for a lover.

Even when you arrived,
I tried to beat you
away with my sadness,
my cynical seductions,
and my trick of
turning a slave
into a master.

And all because
you made
my fingertips ache
and my eyes cross
in passion
that did not know its own name.

Bear, beast, lover
of the book of my body,
you turned my pages
and discovered
what was there
to be written
on the other side.

And now
I am blank
for you,
a tabula rasa
ready to be printed
with letters
in an undiscovered language
by the great press
of our love.

i miss my boys.

2012-01-08T01:58:00.001-05:00

this is why i miss seoul so so so fucking much.

song for lisa.

tomorrow morn.

2012-01-06T21:25:00.003-05:00

finally.
tomorrow morn--first time i can properly sleep in.
havent done that in a good month.
so excited.

wrote down my to-do list for tomorrow (to be ticked off)--

__entry for a nonfiction prize--put off for a month already
__feathertale submission. friend from jschool is the editor of this brilliant satirical magazine. asked me to write a piece.
__order plugs (um. to clarify--theyre _earring_ plugs....)
__practice (the 5 chords) i know on the guitar
__read korean/int'l history

---------------------------

how many of these will actually be achieved? ha.

new intern.

2012-01-06T21:16:00.002-05:00

so i got to work with an intern the last two days.
and holy shit--it's so fucking eery to know exactly what it feels like being in that position.
so many flashbacks of the different newsrooms at which i interned.
how intimidating it was to pitch story ideas at a morning meeting.
and maybe this is so vivid bc it wasnt that long ago for me.
having to put on a face.
be willing to take tons of criticism.
learn all the crazy mechanics of a newsroom that has to put a show together by sixpm.
and how it's so easy to get lost in the shuffle of all that.
trying not to bug people if they seemed busy, etc.

tried to get the aforementioned to shoot interviews standup etc.
give suggestions. talk them through it.
gave him an assignment today--use the clips (interviews) we chose and write his own script to the story.
and i just remember trying to write scripts while reporting in edmonton.
spending easily an hour and a half meticulously sorting through clips.
so clumsy trying to put the pieces together.
having producers spent 30 minutes trying to vet (edit) my script.
jesus.

just a huge sense of deja vu.
it's weird.

little things.

2012-01-04T01:13:00.004-05:00

someone said to me today--

Man, I've only gotten through the first 24 pages of your Flickr and WOW! I'm actually shocked you're not shooting stills for a living!
You have an amazing sense of composition and fantastic recognition of light!

and still recently--

IF ever you bring out a book of photos I will buy it. For sure. Your imagination and talents are staggering. And NO, I havent been drinking. you could make a packet working for an Ad agency with your great eye and concepts.

---------------------------

one makes a living shooting still photos.
the other makes a living shooting international news for a canadian network.
im so sad to be back here in suburban city layouts and arctic temperatures.
but these little things always help.

weather patterns.

2012-01-03T11:53:00.003-05:00

it dropped 20 degrees since I've been gone
three days in bare legs
tits up to chin
heels up to thighs
where it's just another day
to pull a boy into the bathroom at the back
of some dive bar in east village
and 40-something men will blow you kisses
when they catch you on their front steps
zealous as high schoolers just turned sixteen

my city is covered in snow
30 centimeters up to my thighs
gales biting at chins
where it's just another day
trudging in slop
rolls and rolls of concrete highway
leading from one suburban barbie dream house
right to another

Cities, states

2012-01-03T11:49:00.002-05:00

Seoul
Melbourne
Eastern Canada
Midwest states
NYC

I'll miss you, big city.

2012-01-02T23:04:00.003-05:00

New York city is so much--SO much--better as an adult.
Lived loved loved it this time around.
Definitely need money to live here full time though.
Or rather--so easy to spend on luxuries.
Had a lovely sendoff after I saw the girls off full of lip and giggles.
Couldn't have asked for a better three days.
'twas nuts. Drunk. Fun. Busy. Sleep deprived.
Oh what I would give to live here.

Loved seeing old friends again.
Though my LSE friend and I agreed we are way too much trouble together.
that's why we only see each other every two years. :)

Oh, London (Ontario)--how I'm not looking forward to awful weather patterns and all that junk.
Happy 2012, babies. Xx

Relegated to little London.

2012-01-02T11:03:00.002-05:00

Think I'm relegated to little London for a reason. Hah.
No--really.
Leaving big London and Seoul was prob a good thing for me.
After leaving keep thinking everything was peachy all the time.
Forget all the neuroses that came with it.
All the ridiculous anxieties of metropolitan living.
Too many late nights--sensory overload.
Bright lights.
All things I loved but came with a catch.
Being in NYC for just two days so far and already feel it.
Going out late all the time.
Shelling out 50$ on delicious brunches at park avenue.
Everything blurs.
Everything is amplified tenfold.
More chances to get lost.
More chances to fuck up.
I both adore it and hate it.
The latter--ESP if I don't get my way.
Gah. I do love this life at the end of the day.
But think there's a reason I'm relegated to smaller city living for awhile.
If I can come to this realization in just two days--well...think that speaks for itself.
Adore this city.
All the characters. Faces. Drama.
Yet I also know myself too well to blindly say I want it all back.
But dear god--I do.
I'm a ridiculous neurotic mess of a woman.
---------------------------------
Shopping, drinks in fifth ave.
Mary poppins on broadway.
New years eve at the empire state.
Rockerfeller's christmas lights.
Dive bars in the east village.
Amazing so far.
And everything in between these facades that clenches my ridiculous poor sobby heart.
Sigh.

First five minutes.

2011-12-31T10:44:00.003-05:00

caught up at the border crossing...ended up being two hours late--thus missing my first appointment. Blah.
So sleep deprived, exhausted 12 hours later.
First stop--pret a manger.
For anyone who has lived in the uk--those yummy sandwich shops are as plentiful as Tim hortons in Canada.
Or family marts in Korea.
Had a delicious sandwich.
Cranberry. Chicken. Spinach. Etc.
And of course--first coffee of the day.
Will walk the hourish to my friend's friend's flat bc the wether is good and I see more.
Mb stop by American apparel on the way.
Oh, how weak I am!

Ps five minutes here an I'm already missing metropolitan living like crazy.
Nobody looks at my shiny Olivia newton-John pants circa Grease like they're some kind of abomination.
Aish aish aish.

Mary poppins with my friend this aft.
Then once out other friend arrives--new years eve at the empire room--empire state building.
I hope I last. :)

Lisa x/uptight?

2011-12-30T22:31:00.004-05:00

So people usually peg me w a few adjectives and nouns--

*a mess
*disorganised
*all over the place
*free-spirited etc etc.

But over my 25 yrs ive come to note there are certain things about which I'm horribly uptight, anal--

*hate any kind of food particles on clothing
*will eat in bed but abhor any kind of food particles on bedding, carpets etc
*my journo notes may look like afterbirth but I keep all business cards in a makeshift envelope adhered to back of said notebook/all contacts' info at back
*99 per cent of time never leave dishes in sink
*will never throw away food related garbage in a bedroom or study garbage
*ill always compartmentalise clothes etc when I travel.
*even though my purse is overflowing with crap--there's a place where every item goes. Mostly for sake of access.

NYC--eleven years later and ago.

2011-12-30T22:13:00.002-05:00

I'm on the overnight bus to NYC.
Excited to finally be getting out of my suburban atrocity. Heh.
It's funny--meeting up with a friend in my field there to catch up.
Last time we convened was in Katowice, Poland.
We both happened to be there on the same eve for just an eve.
He got there earlier in the day so ended picking me up from the airport and we went for drinks and dinner before dropping me off at my friend's.
Tomorrow morn--same thing.
My bus arrives at 8am.
The only time we really have is around that time.
So--two yrs later--hell be picking me up from where I disembark--all straggly and hideous.
Hah.
Love how these things happen.

---------------------------------------

Getting more excited.
This was a tough week but think/hope this trip will help me recharge.
Despite the back to back schedule.
I need a break.
Need like minded girlfriends who saw me through some of the lowest points in my life to date.
Excited to be traveling again.
Though ideally--would love to be going a lot farther for a lot longer.
Happy new year, babies. Xxxxx

blue collar city.

2011-12-29T09:00:00.002-05:00

you know how ive had no problem living in small cities or even towns in the prairies.
or out east. etc.
think it's bc the scenery is so different and that's really all i want.
think a slightly larger city like this--bc it's so similar to home--has lessened my need to explore here.
though keep realising--mb sometimes having to remind myself--it's an experience, too.
learning a ton about labour unions.
the plight of blue collar workers. etc.
something about which i probably wouldnt get to learn in many other cities.
ahhhh.
new york city tomorrow night.
im excited--but lately, been exhausted, too.
let's hope i can do this back-to-back thing all right.

lost phone. purse contents.

2011-12-28T21:45:00.007-05:00

i was going on to my friend how losing my work phone yesterday made me feel really bad bc this is one of a few things ive lost in a very short time span.
for anyone who knows me--purse is always bursting. compartments open, spilling out. blah. (i once categorised the items in my purse. mini origami papers. among other things, i counted three pairs of headphones. ziploc bag for tv makeup incl. brushes, blush, powder, foundation, lip gloss, eyeliner, hand lotion. contact solution. journo notebook. three pens. one sharpie. sunglasses. point and shoot camera. dslr camera. ipod. iphone. work phone. alligator wallet (as in, it looks like an alligator). sometimes a book. sometimes a magazine. sometimes both. keys. in front comparment--a makeup pouch with dry-hands pole dancing liquid chalk. two pens. eye drops. swiss army knife. tylenol.)

me--ugh. i just feel bad. always such a mess.
friend--well what do you think you should do to make yourself better?
me--get a new purse.

in case of stroke.

2011-12-28T02:24:00.005-05:00

you spent your best years
teaching children with hollow bellies
across africa
said youre married to god
when they asked about your husband
many men left with broken hearts
upon hearing the same thing

you adorn your walls
with your grandmum's oil paintings
southern belles with parasols
in pristine afternoon light
your handwoven doilies lace tabletops
ribbon-rimmed photo frames
of your mother when she was young

and above your doorknob
a handwritten note
--in case of stroke
contact so-and-so--
yesterday you forgot your walker
in the apartment lobby

last spring
after open heart surgery
pneumonia
kidney failure
the doctors taught you how to move again
using 90 years of muscle memory

happy boxing day.

2011-12-26T10:16:00.003-05:00

the news of our mutual friend getting engaged brought this message into my life this morning--

everyones getting engaged. Will you marry me?

heh.
but really--though this friend is substantially older--ive had two friends get engaged over the holidays.
he's had nine, apparently.
though both of us are incredulous at how fast people are getting rooted.

drove--yet again--an hour to work this morning after spending a day for christmas at home.
everyone's settling down.
everyone's on the right track.
i definitely am, too, but i want more.

is it that impossible to have both a metropolitan life that transcends geographic boundaries--yet still be able to settle down?
my immediate surroundings say no.
but in seoul.
in a surreal urban city where the foreigner presence matches that of the locals...maybe.

i want to be in a big city where i can get lost.
where other young people are just as lost.
im treading water.
stationary as fuck.

learns to keep pace.

2011-12-23T21:56:00.004-05:00

this has been my schedule the past week--

mon-work
tues-work/jschool friend visiting
wed-work/jschool friend visiting

thur dec 22 -breakfast/bid farewell to jschool friend
-drive home for weekend
-two hr drive to sherway gardens mall in mississauga for something
-drive back to hamilton for doctor's appt
-another specialist appt
-yet another appt (spa-related, yet not as frivolous as it sounds)
-had to go to provincial court for something, but it closed just as it got there

fri dec 23 -court again
-mississauga to korean exchange bank to send money to friend
-coffee date with one of my best friends i met in korea
-family/family friend dinner
-drive an hour back to london for work

sat 24th -work
-drive an hour back to hamilton

sun-christmas day in hamilton
mon dec 26th-drive back to london
until fri dec 30--work

dec 30-jan 2--NEW YORK CITY
jan 2 afternoon--WORK

--------------------------

boys and girls--i am a tired bear.
dinner tonight with family friend was exhausting, too.
she's 91 years old.
had open heart surgery earlier this year.
suffered kidney failure, then pneumonia.
yet still drives. looks 80.
she's known my parents even before i arrived in canada in 1991.
she's seen me grow up.
we dropped her off and saw her to her door.
saw a note above the doorknob inside--something about 'in case of stroke'.

been so inundated with career anxieties, geographic anxieties...think i forget to slow down a lot of the times.
hate feeling like this, though.
times when i remember how fragile everything is.
how much every little intricacy is delicately balanced.
too much so.
everything changes, observed this 91 year old woman's seven year old niece.
even the young ones see it.

my parents arent getting any younger.
neither am i.
and definitely not her, either.
just wish i could--possibly just like every existentialist--slow things down a bit.
or rather--keep things frozen.
just for the time being.
although i know if that ever happens--many would ever want things to move forward.

--------------------------

also met with one of my best friends i met in korea.
she's wonderful. beautiful. glorious.
hearing about her teaching job/life in abu dhabi made me wish i lived under perpetual heat and sun.
beach minutes away.
i couldve had that.
anywhere i wanted.
just really really hope my heart (clichedly) can keep up with my head in the sense that it learns to keep pace.
so ill learn to appreciate my current situation better.
to enjoy it more.

it's hard--but there are so many things to love about my life.
finally close to family again.
doing a job i adore in so many ways.
was just notified today work specially got me a riser for my hits from the studio.
bc the two boxes i stood on before were somewhat unstable.
kind of like an 'olympic podium'.
though i suspect they say that to ease the fact im the only one in the newsroom who needs two tiers to look normal-heighted.^^
work takes care of me.
so does my family.

i should learn to take better care of me, too, yeah?

the work i do is valuable.

2011-12-19T22:01:00.002-05:00

even though i know this all the time--just more comforting, real when someone else tells you.
caught up with one of my kind-of ex-co-workers with whom i liaised telephonically while freelancing.
just good to hear someone thinks im on the right track to attaining what i eventually want to attain.
not only that--reminding me the work im doing now is valuable.
people care about the stories we tell.
even if it's not to an international audience.
really impt to remember.

i localised kim jong il's death story.
talked to korean-canadians living in london.
wow to know there are about 5,000 here.
anyway--did a live top and tail for the story at six.
talked about going to the d-m-z, etc.
one of the first times on-camera feeling 3,405 per cent.
okay--total exaggeration.
but it just felt right.
describing the d-m-z. etc.

it's something to work toward, but right now--im where i need to be.
even if it's hard to remember, sometimes. xx

kim jong il is dead.

2011-12-18T23:07:00.002-05:00

yes, he is.
i experienced this wrenching tummy feeling a few wks ago.
when i realised there's a story i really wanted to tell.
about the comfort women in korea.
after the japanese issued an official apology to canada POWs in ww2.

and now--again.
now that kim jong il has died.
if i was still in korea--would be on call left and right chasing this story.
miss doing internationally-relevant news.
miss being in the thick of it.
miss feeling passionate about the stories i do.

think ill have to live with these tummy knots for awhile, eh? :(

last night in seoul.

2011-12-18T19:19:00.003-05:00

lukewarm water runs down
goosebumpy skin
one of the last spring nights
warm enough for bare legs
you throw the wall to me
i catch
with my non-dominant left hand
use the right to pull you in
against
cold tile
colder hearts
and the drops
of searing soju on our breaths
that burns through our tongues
and all that isnt said

an hour with my mac man.

2011-12-18T12:03:00.003-05:00

finally got my baby back yesterday.
keyboard, touchpad feel like new.
turned it on to make sure it worked before i left the shop yesterday.
ended up spending an hour with the mac guy.
mostly him berating me on my lack of proper care of my mac products.
esp. regarding battery life. hah.
an hour.
way too much fun.

but it's true--will take proper care of my products from now on.
or attempt to.
for the next three days, knowing me.

being at home. waking up in a big comfy bed.
duvet i sink into.
sunday morning in a fuzzy robe with coffee.
ah, suburbia.
lovely, but id rather wake up groggy to city sirens.
dangling my feet out my window overlooking seoul.

skyped with a friend still there today.
being away from that lifestyle. atmosphere.
like missing a limb.
professionally--couldnt be happier, on the right track.
emotionally, socially, everything else-wise--am absolutely lost.

My baby is gone (temporarily).

2011-12-14T21:37:00.005-05:00

Yes. My baby is undergoing surgery at the Mac shop.
Painfully typing on my phone but must slap down my dismay so I can forget about it.^^
Stupidly--spilled milk on a few arrow keys on my keyboard.
Turned computer upside down. Etc.
But--didn't turn it off to dry.
Used it for two days before the shift and alt keys on the right hand side didn't work.
Decided to (finally) turn it off.
Wouldnt turn back on.
Went to Canada computers who told me the reseller would do a more efficient job.
It was closed on Sundays. Would charge a ridiculous cost for even just diagnosing it.
Drove more than an hour to a mall in Burlington.
Awful brusque guy wouldn't explain to me what exactly was wrong.
Charges would cost 900$ roughly. Upwards, maybe.
So I may as well think about getting a new computer.
Went back just to ask him if there were any other options. Apparently no.
something was wonky.
Drive another 45 to get to Mississauga.
Had to find parking in both those parking lots amidst Christmas shoppers.
Here I was clutching my laptop--cars falling everywhere.
Weaving like a nut.
Thank god i went bc that apple store in sauga quoted me 200$ and it's already done.
Alas. #firstworldproblems #iknow

toxic, pungent air.

2011-12-10T10:58:00.005-05:00

part of a note to friend--

haha... reporting is perfect for me. im getting some great experience now. but i eventually (read as soon as possible) want to do foreign stuff again. shooting local news after having done international stuff sometimes wears down on me a bit.

just in a weird place right now where i want to be traveling for extended periods of time and doing journalism. nothing less will make me completely 100 per cent happy. that, and i miss seoul like crazy still.

but i have to tough it out for now. i have a job that a lot of other people want, so i cant complain. alas. :)

-----------------------

getting this message from seoul did not help--

saw a dish the other day
chicken jinger
thought of u

-----------------------

despite how much i miss it and always will--i definitely dont ever wish i actually was there.
no--that's a lie.
but i know i made the right decision to leave.
though it doesnt make leaving any easier.
esp. not leaving all those beautiful people i love.
the perfect mix of kindred spirits i probably wouldnt otherwise find anywhere else.
i know i probably clichedly sound like a broken record.
but seoul doesnt leave my head ever.
it's ingrained in me.
even though ive left for close to a year now--
when im out i still wish i was dancing to some dj in a big box club with seizure lights til 7am.
still wish i was with the kind of friends with whom you stumble home when it's light. then after a morning sleep--regroup over a meal and morning after drinks.
i feel like ive aged a decade since coming back.
bc going out here doesnt have the same implications.
i dont care to get all gussied up.
still miss the 24 hours restaurants.
still miss humid summer nights cycling by the river.
i still breathe the city's toxic, pungent air.

a gorgeous doc.

2011-12-08T23:49:00.004-05:00

i am so incredibly restless. most days.
but especially today.

one of the biggest news stories today was this--

japan apologises to canada.

essentially--they issued and apology to canada for atrocities in ww2.
so i ask--sure. progress. a tad.
but what about the comfort women?
the sex slaves in china. korea. all through southeast asia, too.
living in 'comfort stations' across a continent for the soldiers.

i visited the house of sharing during my year in korea.
met who's left of the grandmothers who were pillaged in www2 as girls.
every wednesday--these grandmothers make the hour-plus long trek from their safe/group house just out of seoul.
set up in front of the japanese embassy and protest.
asking for an apology from the japanese government.
still nothing to this day.

so what about those women?
every year some of them die.
dont know if they will get an apology before they all do.

this sounds grim, yes.
but i remember doing a monologue about this for the vagina monologues one year in undergrad.
that monologue was unimaginably haunting.
then, in korea, met the actual women about which the monologue was written.
jesus christ.
i met these women.
strolled with them.
sat down with them.
held their hands and sang with them.
they are living history.

especially in light of japan apologising to canada--think this is especially relevant.
sigh.
what a gorgeous doc.

positive by proxy.

2011-12-08T14:34:00.004-05:00

wished a happy birfday to a coworker i worked with for two months years upon years ago.
aforementioned coworker works with the best of the best.
sent me a reply--

In every photograph of you, you look stunningly beautiful. A realistic reflection of you. Thanks so much for the bday message... Keep going in London (Canada), your time will come. I promise. You are clever; a great journalist; enthusiastic and remarkably beautiful. The world is your oyster. Oh..and I forgot, you have the best sense of humour. Keep going. You watch ... its going to happen. I know, I work with dildos everyday (not in that way!!). So, keep it up. You are a gem.

it's interesting how people see you--esp when it's so hard to see yourself in such a positive light.
think inner demons really get the better of many. if not most.
mb this is why external positive reinforcement is so crucial these days.
why i have to save these for rainy days.
even though it's not rainy the weather is frigid.
havent been to the gym once this week.
work is busy.
so is my head.

--------------------------

for two nights now ive been having incredibly vivid dreams of seoul.
think my subconscious is connecting dots that should have, but never were, connected while i was there.
always wake up disoriented.
overly emotional.
think it's time for a visit there.
on my next trip, seoul will be a stopover on my way to indonesia, methinks.

pls give me a big hug so im more confident about making it through these yucky winter months. xx

my lady loves.

2011-12-07T22:38:00.002-05:00

went into work today only to get sent out to a huge fire south of the city.
scripted in the sat truck.
did the story on the spot.
stuff like this keeps me going, i suppose.

adrenaline. always on the go.
isnt this what i live for?

though think w the way i am, always needing more.
present's never enough.
mb i should go back and read my notes from korea.
remember everything _wasnt_ perfect.
always in state of emotional neuroses.
even though the lifestyle was easy. peachy.
always wanted the journalism.
wasnt until i started regularly doing the radio freelancing that i felt a sense of purpose.

guess i just have to grit my teeth for now.
take the little victories.
even if it means exhausting myself physically.

think ill join two spectacular girls for new year's even in new york city this year.
only have three days off over that weekend, so ill take the overnight bus both ways from toronto.
will be exhausted, but lately--been feeling like i need these strong, independent, beautiful women around me.
some of the best friends ive had to date.

finishing our masters in london, england.
after my last, horrible breakup she'd have me over.
cook for me.
then she'd brush my hair and we'd spend the night gabbing.

another one of my best girls is coming home from abu dhabi over christmas.
she's incredible. my enabler.

at least im lucky enough to have these girls.
we feed off of each other.
debate real issues.
femininity. gender roles. all that junk.
but we can also spend hours talking nonsense about boys.

to quote my london (uk) love--

YAYY This is gonna be the best NYE EVER. the three of us are way to frickin crazy to be in the same place at once. this is dangerous. im excited :)

soft news story.

2011-12-07T12:57:00.003-05:00

sometimes--the perils of doing a local newscast is packing stories that are incredibly soft.
like this one i did yesterday.
though it's stories like these that, in my opinion, really allow you to get creative.
guess it's stories like this that come closest to bridging the journalistic vs. creative writing.
had so much fun with this script.

---------------------------

INTRO
Residents in Lucan can now breathe a big sigh of relief. The centrepiece to the nativity scene in front of the Holy Trinity Anglican Church was lost but now is found. Lisa Xing has more.

TIS THE SEASON FOR GIVING...
FOR RESIDENTS IN LUCAN...SOMEONE'S BEEN TAKING.

BABY JESUS WAS ABDUCTED FROM THIS CHURCH ON THE WEEKEND.
HIS PARENTS...AND _THESE_ MEN WERE NONE THE WISER.

SOT streeter
maybe the ghost of christmas past visited somebody.

IT GOT THE ANGLICAN PRIEST QUESTIONING WHO WOULD TAKE FROM THE MANGER.

SOT
surprised somebody would actually make the effort of untying something that was pretty secure on the front lawn. and a little sadness because this was a set made by a parishioner and reflected many hours of work. so you feel a little personal loss.

BUT ONCE WORD OF THE THEFT SPREAD...
REPENTANCE QUICKLY FOLLOWED.

OC
Just this morning, baby jesus was found propped up against the church steps here. now--he's back in his rightful place--in his manger where he belongs.

SOT
I'm sure many people look and noticed he was gone for a little while. so it think we're all happy the nativity set is complete. and christmas can continue as scheduled.

THE CHURCH ISNT ASKING ANY QUESTIONS BUT THAT ISNT STOPPING RESIDENTS FROM SPECULATING.

SOT
the grinch? I was really upset. i thought--oh dear. what an awful thing. but now everyone's talking about baby jesus and he's back!
SOT
Lucan is a really close community. christmas is important to us. whoever brought jesus back--we thank him. we just had our santa claus parade saturday. baby jesus is back. it's going to be a great christmas in lucan.

NOW--ALL IS CALM...AND ALL IS BRIGHT... IN THE LITTLE TOWN OF LUCAN. LX.

---------------------------

for the actual story--click here.

breaking character.

2011-12-07T06:11:00.004-05:00

(this is too early in the morning. 6:37am. dozed for a bit. but woke up at 4am. need a few more hours. luckily im working in the afternoon.)

i wore your shirt across southeast asia
in foggy wet hanoi
vang vieng when it poured five days straight

when you forgot it one morning
i couldnt wash it for weeks
smelling of eau de parfum
hazy nights when only photos remind
how we saw weekend mornings
all woven
tangled upon tongue

when i left you tried so hard to be good
prolonged body contact
even a peck on cheek
you knew i hated the way
you always wore that veil
mostly opaque rarely translucent

but the times you broke character
when you let summer heat make you sweat
liquor loosen your tongue
when you took the cigarette from your lips
to kiss me

you left pinpricks across my surface
that mapped out city streets
and spiral bound notebooks
brimming with illegible dissertations

aging.

2011-12-04T10:30:00.002-05:00

too many physical changes these days to be happy.
mb im being dramatic but man.
even just a year ago i was able to sleep in into the early hours of the afternoon.
these days--mb it's my clock being conditioned to wake up for work every day (though i was doing that in korea, too. earlier, even) that im up earlier now.
or it's a product of ... AGING.
sleeping in is 10am for me now.
1130am max. and that's rare.
mb i just have things to do.
i dont know.
but i feel old.

in three months ill have left korea for a year.
i have no words. ahhh.

writing with flesh.

2011-12-03T21:26:00.008-05:00

(great. im sure my purse is ecstatic there will be yet another addition to its already bursting seams....)

friend made an excellent suggestion to me in the last few days.
as i progress the content here inevitably has to become more cryptic. elusive.
or just omitted.
shouldnt stop me from penning things onto paper, though.
when i started back on this forum, knew the public nature of the blog--plus its readily accessible archives--would keep me writing.
outside of journalism.
outside of academia.
when i first started out--spring of 2007--wrote almost too candidly for what this is now.
though as true as i am to paper--refuse to go back and change much.
as a result--this forum also serves as a time capsule, so to speak.
a testament to how ive progressed over the years.
thoughts. writing style. all that.

but--think it's time i supplement this blog with a paper log. (plog...?)
so when im old and senile--dont forget about whom i write these poems.
these cryptic passages.
hopefully a contrast to my journalist notes that defy margins. lines. legibility.
so when i look back i know what my handwriting looked like over various moods. momentous occasions.
to have something physically tangible in my hands.
to defy this ridiculous rapid progression toward everything digital.
so i dont start forgetting this mess of heart. head.
so i can start writing with flesh and blood.

the way we experience time.

2011-12-02T23:23:00.003-05:00

quantum physicists have postulated that the way we experience time is an illusion. that it doesnt happen in a linear way. that past present reality--there is no difference.

this bit is like white hot chocolate to me.
or body pillows.

the idea of you.

2011-12-02T11:56:00.006-05:00

on days i feel yucky, little tidbits like this make my day a tad lighter.
(although today i feel absolutely a-okay...posting this for a rainy day. a flavour-saver, if you will.)

Read the blog...needed someone elses words in my mind. god I love the stream of your thoughts. This is why I will always be hopelessly in love with the idea of you.*

----------------------

then on other days i get equally as lovely notes with a completely different tone.^^

THOSE LEGZ.

----------------------

*The idea of you because that's all I have. Despite the fact that I have a spectacular time when you're around, I can't pretend to know you at all - you're a mystery to me, little crossing.

in the same breath.

2011-12-02T11:07:00.003-05:00

more often than not.
almost every day.
realise how much i love my job.
sure--a tad disenchanted with the location.
but i have the best job.
always out somewhere.
always know what's going on in the city.
can navigate the city without thinking twice (most of the time, and a huge feat considering my deplorable sense of direction).
two days ago i went christmas tree shopping around the city.
few weeks ago i went snowboard gear shopping.
soaking up all the holiday fanfare.
sure--i roll my eyes jokingly at my producers when it comes to these stories.
but really--at the end of the day--im getting paid to have fun.
explore the city.
meet fascinating people (most of the time).
have creative control.
even more--im learning every day.
i learned about winter tired.
how to evaluate christmas trees.
what to look for when getting snowboard gear.
every day im a tad smarter.
know more about the world.
even if the knowledge doesnt span the globe.
doesnt need to. not always, at least.

it's always a precarious balance in terms of my sanity.
living in a city smaller than any city ive lived since emigrating from china at age four.
in a way im spoiled.
have traveled far too much for my own good.
cant settle down. cant be complacent.
mind's always thinking in light years.
yet in the same breath--havent traveled nearly enough to be satisfied.
that, my loves, will probably never happen.

the modern woman.

2011-12-02T07:26:00.003-05:00

heard this on the radio as i was driving to a shoot yesterday.
extremely, incredibly progressive.
a doc produced in 1962.
and love the sound of the audio imperfections.
there's something a bit ethereal about radio back in the day.

the modern woman.

dflaksjdfl;

2011-11-27T16:22:00.002-05:00

our entertainment reporter took a leave of absence to go back to school for a year.
she informed me she just returned from a trip to israel for two wks for a video project.
the best way i can describe my dismay at not being able to explore other places--

dflaksjdfl;kajsdflkjasldfkajsldkfja

i need to travel.
my next top locations if i have a few wks time off, in no particular order--

--abu dhabi and surrounding UAE
--stopover in seoul, then singapore/malaysia/indonesia/bali
--colombia

two apologies. two arguments.

2011-11-24T20:47:00.004-05:00

in a matter of 12 hours i received two dinosaur-sized apology notes.
ill start with the one more simply explained--not chronologically.

apology one
----------
after multiple one-sided notes ended up in my inbox over a span of a few weeks when i first moved to london (ontario).
nothing for two years prior.
after the initial few notes... i finally replied asking the reason for the notes.
one line.
to which i received a barrage of longish replies.
so i wrote back saying i had no wish to continue the correspondence.
two months later--this morning at work--a huge light-year long semi-apologetic email.
for those who knew me two years ago, my indifference to this situation is dimensions ahead of the massacre of a wreck i was immediately following.

apology two
----------
a massive crater-sized multi-paragraphed apology.
from someone i knew since childhood but never well.
reunited elatedly after a decade.
since that one lunch last month were daily in touch.
two wks later. just two weeks.
told him something with which he did not agree.
sent me a five-minute audio recording reaming me out.
wrote a huge, calm (though mildly scathing) reply calling his tactic into question.
nothing for a week.
then said massive crater-sized apology.

------------------------------------------------

also had two mini arguments recently, too.
both got me worked up.
which is v. atypical.

argument one
----------
me--i am a proponent of piercings.
friend--you are a rebellious teenager if you have piercings past the age of 23. max 25.

argument two
----------
no defined two sides.
just something someone important to me whom i met in london (uk) said that caused a tummy sinking feeling. hate that feeling. mb an element of disappointment. esp bc i also had a stressful bad day.

------------------------------------------------

honestly dont know why i revealed this much.
lately--been taking a less candid approach.
but really--been in a slight funk lately.
the weather's changing.
skin's drying up. ashy.
static makes my hair fly all over the place.
i wasnt here the last two winters.
i miss seoul's bright lights.
beautiful young people.
always drunk. always partying.
hooked on electro.
miss the minds of the people i met there.
esp my girls.

and just fed up with clueless.
just dont give a shit.
head's always in a state of mess.
but this is the first time in forever ive also felt this light.

best dressed reporter.

2011-11-23T21:12:00.007-05:00

let's see if you can follow this conversation on fb.
warmed my cold, black heart on this frigid winter day. :)
(esp since this week ive been feeling off kilter. too busy. too cold. too anxious about the future.)

-------------------------------

friend's fb status (hes greyhounding down the states. north to south.)--
Best bus music: Sufjan Stevens.

-------------------------------

me--
take me with you! ugh. i was supposed to have done an eastern US bus trip this summer. alas...

friend--
Yeah. I know. I was glad you hadn't because I would have missed out on doing it with you.

me--
but now im the one missing out!

friend--
YEAH. Where the F are you? I'm tired of doing my own photography.

me--
we should just all go back to don det and play explosions in the sky on the beach... haha. im chained to my job at the moment. i think a chunk of time may open up in the new year...

friend--
Someone has to be the best dressed news reporter.

me--
hahah is that an informed opinion?

friend--
Remember when I super-stalked clips of your news reports.
‎"Today in Canada, nothing happened again. News from America..."

me--
im flattered; you think i dress well! hahaha. why do you think i want to do go back to foreign stuff? :)

friend--
Was awesome to see someone I knew reporting the news.
Well, it doesnt pay at all. But I could use the PR.

me--
dude. i totally should have just quit my job and come along to go nuts with photos. do you know much i miss lao!

letter to charlotte (north carolina, that is).

2011-11-22T09:04:00.003-05:00

remember the mum i told you about?
the one i met on the flight between tokyo and chicago on my way back from seoul?
named her my unofficial (hopeful) future mother-in-law bc we jived so well.

here's an email i wrote her just now--
this is why i love her. more than half a year later and we're still in touch.
a woman i sat beside on a plane.
how chanseuse.

Hi ---!

Yes, definitely let me know how Iceland is. Send a few photos if you have a chance later! Oh man... Im so jealous youll get to see the northern lights.. soo beautiful!

It's getting so cold here. We're now in the below zero temperatures and im still stubbornly wearing dresses (with leggings, of course!)

Also--some hopeful news regarding potentially visiting you guys in the future! I have a good friend at work and her parents live in Charlotte! What a coincidence eh? May not be for awhile, but we're definitely talking about a road trip down there sometime.

My flatmate is back home in Austin this weekend and she says it's a balmy 30 degrees in your direction. No wonder you've chosen to go to Iceland this time of year when everyone is scrambling for the tropics.

Talk soon, ---. Hope you have a great trip!
Lisa

malaise.

2011-11-20T23:43:00.002-05:00

ahhh just what i needed.
a weekend eating mum food.
lounging on a comfy couch.
playing checkers (not chinese!) with dad.
mobile died and i dont have the charger with me.
suburbia is quiet.
catching up on reading.
only one book to go until i re-tackle chen jian's mao's china and the cold war.
my ex-prof from lse.
brilliant book on cold war china.
miss learning about international history.
contemporary life seemed a lot more digestible during that year-long course.
even though everything else was in constant upheaval in the uk.
long distance relationship.
financial instability due to ridiculous tuition.
general malaise about future directions.

though im still suffering that malaise to this day.
and probably always will.
regardless of whether im reporting from china one day or not.^^

so clearly futureless.

2011-11-18T21:33:00.002-05:00

dont know how this got into my head just now.

a good friend once said--

oh, lisa--stop loving that frenchie so much!

think that sadly defines me too much.
especially for things that are so clearly futureless.
but ah--thus is my disposition.

charlotte, nc.

2011-11-17T23:55:00.003-05:00

i went to bonnaroo
with four friends
crossed border cut states
to manchester, tennessee
but didnt visit bc i had to work
my self professed
future mother in law
and her paper perfect son
(only bc him and i had never met)

i met her on a flight back over the pacific
from tokyo where her son was teaching
back home to charlotte, nc

i hate talking to strangers on airplanes
nowhere to go traversing the pacific
but vicki and i
gabbed for seven straight hours
both losing sleep
how we loved being friends with gay guys
how my last relationship imploded
the story about her mother

six months later im in a new city
vicki still invites me to visit
my new close girlfriend wants to drive home
and bring me
her parents and younger brother
all live in charlotte, nc

winter wardrobe.

2011-11-17T23:37:00.007-05:00

I.
mid november
the one odd warm day
i wear a skirt
forget my legs
are ashy under layers
honeycombs forming
skin scrapes against skin
(cant moisturise before
pole dance class)

II.
im in a dress i stole
(your plaid shirt past my knees
could swallow three of me)

playing doctor.

2011-11-16T10:28:00.006-05:00

you sing for me
songs that strike a chord
from when we were years younger
fingertips press
metal
skin
like youre diagnosing me

you think you can change
the face of family medicine
talk about cases
rapport with patients
flimsy scrubs

but you dont sing for me
not to strike chords
in my chest
but in my throat

you sing
for your windowsill plants
all the passersby outside
who might stop dead
on their tracks

so your fingertips
still uncalloused
can (mis)diagnose
some kind of malady

night shift; morning light.

2011-11-16T10:20:00.005-05:00

this is why i love working the night shift sometimes--

no alarm.
morning light.
coffee.
reading in bed.
guitar practice in bed.
finally finished a friendship bracelet (why i embarked on this i have zero idea...).
and sometimes--
poetry, too.

(all in pjs.)

----------------------------

just finished 'the amazing adventures of kavalier and clay' by michael chabon.
winner of a pulitzer in 2001.
admittedly--the writing is pretty brilliant.
little turns of phrase. nuances.
friend gave it to me as a birthday present this year.
as much as it has literary value, couldnt get into it like he could.
realise that mb the writing that gets me is the kind in which i have an emotional stake.
relatable. etc.
mb that's why i love the henry miller. anais nin. wei hui.

ginsberg's best.

2011-11-13T18:20:00.003-05:00

didnt include the more scandalous verse.
but god--the beat poets really did get it right.
all that gore. blood. booze.
literary ramblings so gorgeous, rare to us.
these are my favourites.
allen ginsberg.
collected poem.
1947-1980.
(forgive any misspellings.
have had some wine.
also typing much too fast.)

--------------------

what have i done but
wander with my eyes
in the trees? so i
will build: wife,
family, and seek
for neighbors.

or i
perish of lonesomeness
or want of food or
lightning or the bear
(must tame the hart
and wear the bear).
--p. 56 (a desolation)

i learned a world from each
one whom i loved;
so many worlds without
a zodiac.
--p. 70 (walking home at night)

then we go driving drunk on boulevards
where armies march and still parade
staggering under the invisible
banner of reality--
--p. 85 (the green automobile)

oh, and kerouac? jack still jumps
with the same beat genius as before
notebooks filled with buddha.
--p. 124 (dream record: june 8, 1955)

...angelheaded hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly connection to the starry dynamo in the machinery of night,
who poverty and tatters and hollow-eyed and high sat up smoking in the
supernatural darkness of cold-water flats floating across the tops of cities contemplating jazz,
--p. 126 (howl)

in the depths of the greyhound terminal
sitting dumbly on a baggage truck looking at the sky waiting for the los
angeles express to depart
worrying about eternity over the post office roof in the night-time red
downtown heaven
--p. 153 (in the baggage room at greyhound)

his belly of fists and starvation, his belly a thousand girls kissed in colorado
his belly of rocks thrown over denver roofs, prowess of jumping and fists,
his stomach of solitudes,
--p. 156 (many loves)

strange now to think of you, gone without corsets and eyes, while i walk on
the sunny pavement of greenwich village.
--p. 209 (kaddish)

saluting your 60 year old feet
which smell of the death
of spiders on the pavement
--p. 239 (to an old poet in peru)

pink
p
o
n
k of the rain on the roof tin
below my shuttered window
in the neon light a hotel clean tiled room
--p. 307 (angkor wat)

gasping, staring at dawn over
lower manhattan the bridges
covered with rust, the slime
in my mouth and ass, sucking
his cok like a baby crying Fuck
me in my asshole Make love
to this rotten slave Give me the
power to whip and eat your heart
I own your belly and your eyes
--p. 425 (The Change: Kyoto-Tokyo Express)

because I lay my
head on pillows,
because i weep in the
tombed studio
because my heart
sinks below my navel
because i have an
old airy belly
filled with soft
sighing, and
remembered breast
sobs--or
a hand's touch makes
tender--
because i get scared--
because i raise my
voice singing to
my beloved self--
because i do love thee
my darling, my
other, my living
bride...
--p. 335 (why is god love, jack?)

it is the moon that disappears
it is the stars that hide not i
it's the city that vanishes, i stay
with my forgotten shoes,
my invisible stocking
it is the call of a bell (primrose hill, may 1965)
--p. 356 (guru)

statue destroyers and tank captains, unhappy
murderers in mekong and stanleyville,
that a new kind of man has come to his bliss
to end the cold war he has borne
against his own kind flesh
since the days of the snake
--p. 362 (who be kind to)

green signs,
welcome to wichita
population 280,000
--p. 392 (hiway poesy: la-albuquerque-texas-wichita)

mirror looking, combing
gray glistening beard
were i found sharp eyed
attractive to the young?
bad magic or something--
foolish magic most likely
--p. 536 (after thoughts)

gold beard combd down like chinese fire gold hair braided at skull
nape--
gold turning silver soon--worn face young forehead wrinkled, deep-boned
smile,
--p. 537 (G.S. Reading Poesy at princeton)

a tattered copy of blake, with chord notations, black books from city lights,
australian aborigine song sticks, green temple incense, tibetan precious-
metal finger cymbals--
--p. 592 (what would you do if you lost it?)

went out the door dim eyed, bent down and picked up my glasses from step
edge i placed them while dragged in the store--looked out--
whole street a bombed-out face, building rows' eyes and teeth missing
burned apartments half the long block, gutted ellars, hallways' charred
beams
--p. 626 (mugging)

someday im gonna get out of here, go somewhere alone
yeah im going to leave this town wiht noise of rattling bone
i got the sickness blues, you'll miss me when im gone
--p. 639 (sickness blues)

love returned with smiles
three thousand miles
to keep a year's promise
anonymous, honest
studious, beauteous
learned and childlike
earnest and mild like
--p. 712 (love returned)

i eat vegetables raw
sun flowers, cole slaw
age stortens my years
yet brings these good cheers
some nights're left free
and love's patient with me
--p. 713 (love returned)

after 53 years
i still cry tears
i still fall in love
i still improve
--p. 722 (some love)

this morning's cigarette
this morning's sweet regret
habit of many years
wake me to old fears
under the living sun
one day there'll be no one
--p. 724 (maybe love)

raw, candid writing.

2011-11-13T17:46:00.002-05:00

(sometimes i wish i wasnt a semi-public figure bc being under the radar really allows for some raw, candid writing. even if it is only my family and the population that watches local news here.)

i loved you better.

2011-11-13T17:23:00.010-05:00

I.
he sang it best
he said he loved you better
in the country you were born in

II.
i want you
caked in dust
bombs going off around us
dirt under our fingernails
youre most honest then
youre a poet beyond belief
scribbling down verse
your penis in stanzas
semen black ink
cities all lit up
like ginsberg adopted san francisco
loved his boys
henry miller in louviciennes
dripping ink all over anais
running down spine
musculature
staining blue black grease
staining tongues with blasphemy
pupils wide as legs will spread
i want you naked
foaming with your mother tongue
caked in grease
and the aftermath of explosions

something missing.

2011-11-13T16:40:00.006-05:00

this weekend was divine.
didnt go out at all. thank goodness.
my poor body needs a rest.

friday--
korean dinner with friend (much needed therapy time).

saturday--
went to a guitar lesson taught by a coworker with another coworker.
right on the water. sunny. ahhh.
then re-introduced said coworker to the loveliness of sitting on the grass in the sun at mitches park by our flats.
lunch, then went to get our nails done.
luxury i cant afford, but god i needed it.
wine and shows in the evening.

sunday--
woke up for pole dance practice.
finally got a move that had been eluding me for some time.
a split-grip with arms. upside down. legs off the pole.
requires a ton of core, arm strength. yay!
then had some solid gym time.
wine. allen ginsberg's poetry.
out to dinner tonight with a friend who's new-ish to town.

really need time to rest.
so mb next weekend ill actually want to go out again.

----------------------------

also been thinking a lot lately about my job.
just in terms of what i want, when i want it.
a minor setback this week in terms of work.
but it's just minor. and good things take time, i suppose.
doesnt help that bc i have such a clear picture of what i want in five years...hard putting in time doing other things.
despite the fact everything im doing is facilitating that five-year picture.

three months here.
overall--think im doing a good job of making the most of my situation.
doing a shit ton of extra-curriculars.
finally regulated my lifestyle.
reading semi-regularly.
writing semi-regularly.
not much of that tumultuous, turbulent lifestyle in korea. london.
though i do miss living in a metropolis.
toronto doesnt count, either.
it's a city with short man's syndrome, methinks.
though some pretty terrific things do take place there.

it's the beginning of november.
it's 4:52pm and the sky is almost completely dark.
skin is ashy, drier.
putting on my winter weight, that's for sure.
ive discovered kindred spirits in the most unlikely of people.
makes me smile.
but at the same time--feel like parts of me are scattered across continents.

for some--
melbourne, australia.
bogota, colombia.
ottawa, canada.
hamilton, canada.
london, england.
seoul, korea.

others--
newcastle, england.
abu dhabi, UAE.
washington, DC.
long beach, california.
atlanta, georgia.
more seoul, korea.

not whole here.
think there are places where i would feel more whole.
but not here.
can pretend.
can do all i can do round out this space in london (ontario).
i love my job.
i love my current physical, psychological disposition.
but no matter how much i do, there will always be something missing.

(and when i dont get enough vacation time to do the trans-siberian railway or india, i spent endlessly on baubles that arent exactly justifiable. i just blew 150$ on something. i wont say what. but god--if i had the time to do india....)

prototypes.

2011-11-11T20:30:00.004-05:00

it is so incredibly odd how i only know prototypes
dark
short
hard backs
soft hearts
i was buried by my grandmother's house
she once yelled at my uncle for 20 minutes
for letting me drink so much wine new year's eve
i threw up in the bathroom
i was 15
now that im older
stubborner
drunker
wiser
i claw my way out
pull myself up via roots
plunge soft hearts into soil
let all the seed
counterfeit
good intentions seep

the queen of making it happen.

2011-11-11T20:23:00.002-05:00

when i feel yucky--even most removed of friends can make things better.

(...)

And don't lie to me, you wouldn't have it any other way. An interesting life is rarely free of conflict; I'm sure you agree it's a fair trade.

Interesting that you ended up in London, but sadly my sweet bride to be, I no longer have any business in Southern Ontario. You'll have to wait for Spring for me to whisk you away. I have faith you'll have times in London they'd be jealous of in Berlin, you're the queen of making it happen!

(...)

-----------------------

also in that message were other happy words that even the most defiant of people need to hear once in awhile. :)

onset of winter.

2011-11-11T09:26:00.003-05:00

i need to travel.
i need to travel.
i need to travel.

...anywhere.

need sun. exploring. something.
soon.

pumpkin.

2011-11-09T22:27:00.003-05:00

so many quotes.
so few original posts these days.
im just spent.
all day composing scripts.
writing.
all written (is written the right word? hah. see?) out.
mb i should just start posting the scripts i write at work each day here instead. ;)

but it's also quotes like this that make me super fuzzy--

i wish i could have made it to toronto pumpkin

(and it's not bc i was a pumpkin for halloween^^)

orchestral arrangement.

2011-11-09T22:19:00.003-05:00

it's tidbits like this that make me so incredibly elated to know the people i know; makes my day that much better--

ole chica, wanna hook me up with your preferred email and i'll get ya the dough i owe you from beerbistro. thanks darlin

how can anything sound more lovely than the orchestral arrangement that is this message? ahhh. xx

lisa x./fiscally impetuous.

2011-11-07T18:27:00.003-05:00

in a conversation with my friend today--

i really need a rich husband bc even if i do save money i blow it all on travel and american apparel!

edgewalk.

2011-11-06T17:53:00.002-05:00

cant believe i updated this weekend without even once thinking about another major reason i came back--edgewalk.
walking the circumference of the pod on the cn tower.
300-some meters up.
116-ish stories high.

went with a dear friend i met in seoul, his girlfriend and his friend.
his friend and i werent nervous, though he said at some points his knees went a tad wobbly.
but the entire time for me--not once did my heart palpitate irregularly.
not once did my knees wobble.
nor was i nervous, scared, apprehensive at any point.
if anything--it was a disappointment that it wasnt more stimulating.

i know some people have a highest threshold for stimuli, thus seek out things like skydiving, etc.
but jesus--disappointment at walking above the entire toronto skyline attached to a cord and leaning out?
what is wrong with me. -_-

bubble gum ending (a poem).

2011-11-06T16:43:00.005-05:00

(preface)

maybe because i had no expectations
i was always pleasantly surprised
more easy going
when i was mangled, heartbroken
things were so much more goal-oriented
get better
put self together
there were easy and hard ways to recovering

***

(body)

i met a boy in london
a brute who played rugby
wouldnt take my shit
but read spanish poetry in the mornings
without effort it turned to affection
the gorgeousness lay in its expiry
never staled never soured
two years ago he packed a picnic on a hazy august afternoon
the photos will always have a warm-hued filter
the sex will always have a first-time soundtrack
the storyline will never have a bubble gum ending

bubble gum ending.

2011-11-06T16:17:00.007-05:00

came home this weekend bc parents returned from a month in china.
a book i ordered awhile ago was waiting for me--quiet days in clichy.
by henry miller, of course.
a really short 154-page book.
life in france in the early-ish 1900s.
the back read--this tender and nostalgic work dates from the same period as 'tropic of cancer'. it's a celebration of love, art, and the bohemian life at a time whent he world was ismpler and slower, and miller an obscure, penniless young writer in paris.
there's no other way to describe it.
but if anyone is familiar with miller--the 'tenderness' and 'nostalgia' is anything but the contemporary type most know well.
im not going to describe it.
but these are two of my favourite blurbs--

i had only recently recovered from a painful separation from mara-st. louis. that was not her name, but let us call her that for the moment, because it was on the ile st. louis that she was born, and it was there i often walked about at night, letting the rust eat into me.

she talked wildly, frantically, against a fatality that was overpowering. whoever she was, she no longer had a name. she was just a woman, bruised, badgered, broken, a creature beating its helpless wings in the dark. she wasnt addressing anyone, least of all me; she wasnt talking to herself either, nor to god. she was just a babbling wound that had found a voice, and in the darkness the wound seemed to open up and create a space around itself in which it could bleed without shame or humiliation. all the while she kept clutching my arm, as if to verify my presence; she pressed it with her strong fingers, as if the touch of her fingers would convey the meaning which her words no longer contained.

there's an oxymoronic note to his writing as well. as 'tender' as it is--it's the violence that kills me. (hah, no pun intended)

-------------------------

feeling a bit out of sorts in the last few days. week, maybe.
work has been busy.
going in at 3pm, turning over a story by 6pm, then doing a live hit at six.
exhilarating, but exhausting. esp when sick.
didnt help with an incident friday night.
was driving the speed limit down a major road.
dog runs out into the middle of the street.
i try to brake and end up hitting it.
it was alert and moving up until the owners took it to the vet.
let's just say--despite it being unleashed and it ran into the street, they were not very forgiving.
first time in a long time i was a sobbing mess.
i mean--after i dealt with the situation professionally.

-------------------------

miss the period of time when i was mangled, heartbroken.
of course, this is all in retrospect i can say this without fear of being transported back.
but things were so much more straightforward then.
was much more goal-oriented, emotionally-speaking.
get better. put self together. blah blah.
there were easy and hard ways of doing that.
and of course--throughout--was questioning a shit ton of things i had come to believe in the last few years.
maybe because the setting was different.
maybe because i had no expectations.
that i was always pleasantly surprised.
that i was more easy going.

bc i know much better what i want, all of that...seems like im a mess in a way that i wasnt previously.
a friend i met whilst in london was supposed to stop over this weekend.
first time i had been this excited in a long time.
timing didnt work out.
starting to question if these rare, brief interludes will be my meat and potatos (aside from the job) for the next little bit.
though i never absolutely rule things out--wonder how seemingly impossible situations can ever be perpetual.
as ive noted before--the gorgeousness of these situations probably lies in the fact theyre intermittent. brief.
so they never have a chance to become stale. go sour.
so the picnic in richmond park on that hazy august afternoon will always have a warm-hued filter.
the sex will always have a first time soundtrack.
the storyline will never have a bubble gum ending.
good or bad.
bc we'll never know.

gulp.

2011-11-04T10:26:00.002-04:00

waking up groggy every morning.
getting sick.
luckily im working nights so i at least get to sleep in a bit.
but no gym this week. blah.

have to say--getting much more comfortable with live hits.
to the point where they're better than the prompter, in my opinion.
so im not straining to read, etc.
regardless--it's coming along.
this is what i came back for.

wondering if this nomadic lifestyle is getting to my head.
as in--bc im so goal oriented im losing sight of things i should be pursuing in the short term?
luckily--think i know myself pretty well. never one to not follow my gut.
and that's served me pretty well.
feel like if my gut told me to do slow down, i would.
well--i am. kind of. for the time being.
think half-settling in london (ontario) couldnt have been a better indication of that.
yesterday i bit the bullet and changed my mobile number to a local one here, finally.
gulp.

perpetual. steady. serene.

2011-11-02T10:24:00.003-04:00

been waiting til i finished the ginsberg anthology before doing the usual here are my favourite quotes nonsense.

but just cant resist.

here's a teaser--...who poverty and tatters and hollow-eyed and high sat up smoking in the supernatural darkness of cold-water flats floating across the tops of cities contemplating jazz...

i love you, beat era writers!

----------------------

my day-to-day is pretty lovely.
went out monday night for halloween with coworker.
busy week.
dropping off/picking up my civic from the shop. gah.
but in turn--got this amazing rental car from my usual place.
hyundai sonata.
holy smooth acceleration on that thing. amazing.
if i ever had to get my own car (god forbid)... would highly consider that one.
plus--the satellite radio was already tuned to an all-electronic station.
and the first song they played was by benny benassi.
youll never imagine how many dance parties ive had on my way to work.
aish. i miss that scene.
these days it's all top 40 bullshit (and that always draws creepos).

----------------------

potentially incredibly horribly excited for this weekend.
doing edgewalk in toronto on the cn tower.
but more so--a very dear friend from london (uk) who is now in colombia may be visiting again. or rather--stopping over en route to some business meetings in vanc.
sometimes--there is just nothing better than familiarity. comfort. all the stupid shit that always takes so long to harvest.

it's also just odd.
two years goes by and we can pick up seamlessly.
there's no intense parting. coming together.
just perpetual, steady, serene contentment that never experiences the volatility with which im so familiar (and maybe disposed to).
used to think that kind of erratic intensity is the lifeblood of relationships.
slowly starting to realise maybe it's not.
at least not sustainable. nor ideal.

connecting rooms.

2011-10-31T21:35:00.008-04:00

it has been too long since a poem.
but im not particularly smitten with it.
will come back and take a look in a few days, mb.

------------------------
I.
we spend the afternoon
connecting room to room
i sip glasses of white
watch you chop
garlic
green onion
you teach me to slice mushrooms
how to keep fingertips safe
the right way to juice a lemon

im only good at drinking
you make the textures sing

II.
we let natural light
spill over the dining table
onto your new keyboard

(when we were kids
your piano playing
made all the mums
want you as a son in law)

i only remember half a song
mozart's fantasia in d minor
your fingers move like light
across guitar strings
strumming all the lyrics
i had on repeat in high school
love songs to water eyes

III.
we spend the evening
over three bottles of white
twelve hours roll down our backs
tea lights burn out

all the wine
late weeknights
stumbling past midnight

IV.
i pore over
a hardcover on covalent bonds
the chemist's language
is smoother with wine
you read me dr seuss's last poem ever
i half doze
half giggle at rhymes

halloween weekend impetuousness.

2011-10-31T18:45:00.002-04:00

toronto is always a great time.
drove after work to see friend.
went to place called tryst.
non dressed up night.
though most people were.
ended up dressing up for saturday.
then breakfast sunday morn.
what was supposed to be a quick reunion with an old friend i havent seen in ages turned into three bottles of wine over almost twelve hours.
went on a fall walk.
of course--he cooked me for me.
as i consumed a glass of white.
he recently bought a keyboard.
which is how we met, i think.
used to have the same piano teacher.
though all the parents thought he was some kind of musical prodigy.
though i dont really beg to differ.
the kicker was when he strummed the first few measures of dave matthew's crash into me.
a song i played on repeat in my impetuous youth.^^
one of the loveliest afts in awhile.
ended up driving back early this morning.
so exhausted. completely drained.
though im crashing now bc coworkers and i are going out for a proper halloween tonight.

sorry, lisa's body.
(but you remember this was seoul every week, right?) <3

even new friends can be kindred. :)

2011-10-25T00:47:00.001-04:00

Lisa Lisa lovely Lisa,

I just want to thank you so much for coming over. I know you had a busy weekend and you have to work the next day, so i really appreciate you coming over. Also thanks for posting the photos.

Last night I had so much fun, than even today I still feel happy from it :-). Anyhow I hope you have great work week ahead.

intense polarity.

2011-10-24T23:08:00.002-04:00

(the new iOS5 for iphone is divine.
through data or wireless i get to text my friends who also own iphones for free--anywhere in the world.
finally--an apple answer to BBM.
now i get to talk to my loves in korea.
happy happy me.)

-----------------------------

whenever things get busy--i tend to stop writing.
at least about anything terribly introspective.

tonight i went through old facebook albums.
a ton of them.
mostly from undergrad at carleton.
what ridiculous incredible times they were.
i was a tad pudgier then.
but who would have known had i not lost a bunch of weight after that awful breakup.
but god--us kids had fun.
despite missing it somewhat, dont think id ever go back to it.
im done with school. at least done with those undergrad years.
it's funny--still keep in touch and see those friends every now and then.
a ton of years of growing. failing. succeeding.
drama. getting over all that.

and have to admit--the only time in the year i was in london UK doing my masters at lse...were the last few months when i was finally single again.
admittedly--not by (my) choice.
those were the only photographs i looked genuinely happy.
going out more than i ever did.
finally absorbing the city like i did a year before when i was there for two months while interning.

really hate looking back at old photos, though.
esp since i tend to idealise the past.
always gloss over the bad.
the intense polarity of the ups and downs.
this is especially so for korea.
but regardless--those were some of the most glamourous. iridescent. alive times ive ever had.

it's different now.
with the job. location. people im around.
not necessarily a bad thing.
sometimes i miss the confusion that comes with traveling.
being abroad. all temporary passengers.
it's only when youre young you get caught up in frivolity.
mb i cant live off of stability in the long term.
sooner or later, some kind of polarity always seems to find me again.

you are banana.

2011-10-24T19:54:00.003-04:00

my mum typing to me on skype from china.
in response to me telling her i want to live in china for an extended period of time.

travel is expensive as well and there are lot of unexpected fees when you get here, and right now it's not safe by yourself believe me because you are banana.

she is the cutest.

a bit of wine.

2011-10-24T02:42:00.003-04:00

loved this weekend.
went out friday night with work girls.
had a ton of fun downtown.
king west and joe kool's.
liked the classier end of things.
with 20-30 something people.
joe kool's is just a huge mix of drunk everyones.
bright. a bit garish. reminded me of a barn. oy.
though anywhere is always fun with enough jager bombs. :)

was adequately indisposed upon waking up next morning at 8am for pole dancing.
spent the next few hours bumbling around downtown--thinking everything's too bright.
had a hair appointment at 2pm (huzzah! work perks include free hair so i cant exactly get away with cutting my own hair anymore....)
am incredibly platonically smitten with my hairdresser.
probably gossip a little too loudly in the salon. hah.
her and i are very alike.

went out for dinner with a new acquaintance.
plays basketball.
from the south states.
pretty hilarious.
though in my dizzy, head-achey state all i wanted was to be home in my pjs. hah.
perfect ending. pjs. movies with flatmate.

finally slept in this morning.
worked on my new demo.
caught up with photo editing.
headed over to a friend's for a delicious home made dinner.
i wanted to do dishes, but he insisted on me nursing my wine.
conversation is lovely. hilarious.
we can just sit there. gab for hours and hours.
he's also one of those people who pays attention to details.
at once point we went outside.
he noticed i was trying to put my boot on standing on one leg.
he immediately reached out to steady me.
there have only been two people in my life who are this detail-oriented.
one is in abu dhabi. i miss her horribly.
so this reminds me of her. makes me giddy happy.
food was delicious, too.
everything also tastes better with a bit of wine.

little pumpkin.

2011-10-23T10:33:00.002-04:00

been a busy bee lately.
lots of work.
a parking pillar decided to appear and scrape the side of my car.
spent so long driving around getting estimates.
finally--500$, with the place independently recommended by two other places.
still, though. that's not okay.
that could be going into my student loans.
regardless--how is it my driving record has been perfect to date...
and then all of a sudden--cant park properly? blah.
hope this doesnt set a precedence.

cant wait til halloween weekend.
going to toronto next weekend.
love my costume.
hope i dont fall flat on my face due to heels.
gonna be a little pumpkin.

ruins. roads.

2011-10-17T13:03:00.006-04:00

just read a poem by allen ginsberg.
entitled--angkor wat.

all this descriptions of the ruins.
of lao.
vientiane.
hue. vietnam.
all the places i photographed.
spent hot sunny days.

makes me miss it.
and reading the book length poem.
man--i am out of my element with poetry.

miss traveling.
not knowing where id be from day to day.
planning around everything i found fascinating. gorgeous.
exploring ruins. roads.

oh, my life.

2011-10-17T11:32:00.005-04:00

a series of texts.
over the span of a week.

----------------------------

a: how are you doing. this is -- from --. what are you doing. wondering what you were doing later.
b: hi you--actually going home for the weekend.

(...)

b: i have a super early morning tomorrow so if you want to go out i may have to bail a bit early.
a: that's cool.
b: all right. what time etc? where are you guys staying?
a: we all stay in the same building. where is it to go tonight
b: well depends on what you feel like doing. drinks? it's going to be pretty quiet bc it's thanksgiving weekend. i can pick you up though.
a: oh ok. do you just want to come over and chill.
b: is that any way to woo a woman? :)
a: i think you took that the wrong way. i said that cause you said you had an early morning and i just want to see you for how ever long. i am a complete gentleman so you don't have to worry. i know and can tell youre a good woman. that's why i wanted to talk to you or get your number because i can tell there is something about you that i really liked and that was just in that short period of time. i hope i am right cause usually i am a good judge of character.
b: touche. cant argue with that. where are you guys staying?
a: off of -- street is all i know.
b: well babe, i cant get to you if i dont know where you live!
a: the address is ---- street.
b: that address isnt showing up.
a: try -- street.
b: ah yes. do you still want to get drinks?
a: that's cool. one of my (friends) is going to come. is that cool.

----------------------------

a: what you got going on?
b: driving back to london in a bit. you?
a: just chilling right now. going to the movies in a couple of hours.
b: ah very nice. which one?
a: real steel. i am trying to get a massage tonight though. can we make that happen
b: i have a prior engagement. can we rain cheque.
a: yeah i guess i dont have a choice.
b: i think you stand a higher chance if you took me out first. just sayin.
a: i am. i just invited you to the movies did you forget that fast. i mean we could hang after.
b: you told me you were going to the movies--that was not an invite! regardless, i cant tonight.
a: come later when you get here with everything.
a: hello?
b: hey sorry was driving. im tied up tonight. sorry!
a: that sucks.

----------------------------

a: what's going on babygirl
b: hi you. exhausted today. how was your day?
a: it was ok. first day back always is hard.
b: after the weekend you mean? yeah, i was horribly groggy and my lower back is incredibly sore. :(
a: you need me to give you a good massage. i got you.
b: hah. in my experience boys are generally shit at giving massages.
a: well i can give a good one. it just might not last long.
b: ...oh? why is that?
a: my hand.
b:...what about it?
a: that's why i could massage you long. come over and cuddle.
b: haha ill rain cheque on that.
a: you keep giving me rain checks.
b: youre asking me at 11pm.
a: i asked you before that.
b: on a weeknight. i work at 8am. my schedule is nuts.
a: you could bring your clothes here and get ready right.
b: (next morning) it appears i passed out so probably not!

----------------------------

a: what you doing tonight. i would like to see you before we go out of town.
b: im free around 8 or 830. what do you have in mind? im not coming over.
a: im busy til after the game.
b: all right. text when youre finished.
b: (three hours later) hey--im exhausted. can we do tomorrow evening?
a: hello?
b: did you get my earlier texts? im exhausted, so can we do tomorrow instead?
a: we go out of town and will be back saturday.
b: im booking you for saturday then. 7pmish?
a: lol
b: huh?

----------------------------

a: what you up to

----------------------------

b: what you doing tonight
a: haha. recovering. working all day, too. :(
b: where did you go last night?
a: place called cobra.
b: what's the spot to go to tonight

(...) later on.

a: what you doing
b: trying to force this headache to go away.
a: you still at work
b: nah. done now.
a: so what you about to do? you should come over for a little bit.
b: sorry but im exhausted and need to recover bc i work tomorrow too. go out with the boys. itll be fun.
a: i am giving up on you.
b: haha your timing is just always bad. thus, im giving up on _you_. :)
a: my timing isnt bad. you just give me excuses all the time. we set up for us to hang today and you can up with something so that's on you.
b: well they're pretty legit. im in awful shape today!

----------------------------

b: hey, do you want to get dinner or drinks later? tonight is my friday.
a: what about the movies
b: sure why not. what do you want to see?
a: real steel.
b:haha fine. 7 or 10?
a: i have practice today at 7, but i might can make the 7 one.
b: oh shit. how can you make the 7pm if you have practice at 7pm?
a: i dont know. i will see. if not, we have to do it at 10.
b: ok let me know when you find out.

(five hours later, at 7pm)

b: what you doing
a: uh... i thought you had practice?
b: i just got out. it was at 430.
a: jesus. okay well im out for a bit with my flatmate so ill let you know when im free ok?
b: dang. so i have to wait on you to tell me when youre free?
a: you said practice was at 7, and i didn't hear from you again so i made plans. ill be free around 915.
b: no i said practice was at 430 and i would be done by 7.
a: dude read your old texts!

(an hour later)

b: ill be there in ten waiting outside!
b: hereeeee

(more than half an hour later)

b: dude, im leaving.

(40 minutes later)

a: where you at?
b: uh. i left bc i waited a half hour outside. i texted twice and called.
a: i didnt get either one. i was in the house the whole time.
b: dude i called too. there's no way only those two texts didnt go through. im not gonna do this anymore.
a: what you mean. i was waiting on you all day and you think im not going to respond after you were out there. come on now, does that make sense. will you please come back. (this is 11pm)
b: hey--you could have also texted me or checked to see if i was out. anyway. if you think this is worth a redo ill let you plan something. im off work tomorrow and tues.
a: i think you should come over and you can go to work from here. and we can cuddle.
b: i just said i dont work tomorrow. im not coming over. this is a lack of effort on your part.
a: okay just let me know what i need to do to make this situation a good one. i will walk to you. sing to you. spoil you. cook for you. massage you. let me know what it is going to take.
b: haha due! im not looking for this talk. or grand gestures. some concrete plans would be a start.
a: today at six.
b: tomorrow! i can't do tonight.
a: dang.
b: i need more notice!
a: all right. tomorrow works.
b: all right. ill let you figure it out though k.
a: cool.
b: ok. ill pick you up at 6. but the rest is up to you!

----------------------------

and the saga continues!
dont even think i need to annotate any of this for it to be very obviously many things that are wrong with this situation!^^

i love my job.

2011-10-14T20:36:00.002-04:00

five inch heels tonight. 9am pole. 10am work. and it appears my creme-coloured curtains are made from some magical material that red wine does not stain.

that is my tonight.
and my saturday.

in fear of jinxing it...work has been going great.
again--ive fallen into my usual pattern--falling in love with my job. surroundings. context.
ive said before it's my saving grace being in this city.
i wouldnt be here if it wasn't for that.

this week i interviewed justin trudeau.
an amazingly eloquent charismatic influential politician.
and son of the late prime minister pierre trudeau.
of course i was horrendously mesmerised by all his idealism and pretty words.
though i do think more politicians need to be like him.

at work on wednesday eve, we also had our thanksgiving potluck.
i brought paper pilgrim hats for everyone.
the black tall ones with the buckle for the boys.
white bonnets for the girls.
they were a huge hit.

ive also taken up a shitload of extra-curriculars.
this week--
guitar lessons.
pole dancing.
horseback riding lessons.

so excited about the riding.
only time i rode was in morocco and almost fell off bc i had no idea how to balance.

but with the first hour--successfully was able to go faster than a jog on my horse--gypsie... a beautiful, responsive horse.
think im in love.

an expensive hobby, but probably worth it, especially since it's a workout.
my thighs and back are definitely sore today.

life is good.
different than sleepless nights in korea.
different than that wonderful yet excruciating feeling of being lost.
doesnt make me miss it any less.
but these days--feel like im on the right track.
crossing off a ton of things on my bucket list.
paying off my student loans faster.
body is (somewhat) healthier.

and--i love my job.

hello kitty.

2011-10-10T22:45:00.002-04:00

ps.

so (awful) using so many emoticons these days.
korea turned me into hello kitty.

my day is made.

2011-10-10T22:34:00.000-04:00

you're one of the few people i can have fun with, be honest with, and not feel guilty.

canadian thanksgiving.

2011-10-10T09:48:00.003-04:00

This long thanksgiving weekend was spent back home.
Since parents are in china, spent it with a childhood friends family.
Well--her and her father--as her mum is also in china.
I love thanksgiving weekend bc of all the fall inspired activities.
Went apple picking. Fall walks.
Went to the states to shop.
Ate delicious food.
Overall--a glorious warm lovely weekend.
Driving back to London today at some point after seeing other friends.
I have some stories to tell.
But will tell them later.

Happy Canadian thanksgiving, babies. Xx

sweltering hot and muggy.

2011-10-04T09:08:00.003-04:00

starting the day off with news. a bit of television.
and a few poems from allen ginsberg.

although im still trying to slowly ease off of so much coffee.
though for the last two months, there hasnt been a day i havent had a morning mug.

it's getting cold fast.
20 degrees is considered pretty warm for this time of year.
i want 30 degrees.
sweltering hot and muggy.

excited for this coming (thanksgiving) weekend.
staying with my childhood friend and her dad.
(her mum, my parents are in china. separately.)
i foresee apple picking and some shopping in the states.

three days off.
incredibly excited.

a literate passion.

2011-10-03T20:46:00.002-04:00

finished reading 'a literate passion: letters of anais nin and henry miller 1932-1953'.
first time i read it was years ago.
read it too fast.
some of the most gorgeous, almost violent writing.
these are my favourite quotes--

------------------

it astonishes me how delicately you can make distinctions between women...however, that hypersexuality which blanche used as an insult, i admire, because it is quite in proportion with the enormity of your mind, your outsized thoughts, your torrential style...
--p. 4, anais to henry.

i know how much i have loathed working over the novel you read because it is dead for me, how much we both love to work on living, palpitating stuff, at white heat only. but i believe it si only after the white heat that the story reall ripens. the white heat re-creates the emotional experience, but understanding does not crystallize at white heat.
--p. 5, anais to henry.

why did i turn away from men who deeply loved me...? why did his mistress crumble after two years? why did he love no one and was perpetually disappointed?
--p. 5, anais to henry.

a man who dominates is a man who does not love. he has a tremendous animal vitality, a force, which conquers. he conquers, people are subjected by him, but he neither loves nor understands. he is just a force and he is filled with his own strength.
--p. 5, anais to henry.

i was ready to give her everything i have ever invented and created, from my house, my costumes, my jewelry to my writing--my imaginings, my life. i would have worked for her alone.
--p. 14, anais to henry.

she is unreal even to us--even to you who have possessed her, and to me whom she has kissed.
--p. 14, anais to henry.

last night your notes overwhelmed me. so much stufff to be assimilated and transformed and brooded on--and you want peace so that your imagination may penetrate all that heavy material, and i am running away from peace and have begun to live like you and june. and both kinds of lives lead to the same madness.
--p. 16, anais to henry.

the woman will sit eternally in the tall black armchair. i will be the one woman you will never have...excessive living weighs down the imagination: we will not live, we will onyl write and talk to swell the sails.
--p. 16, anais to henry.

she possesses us both-everything else is only a temporary victory.
--p. 21, anais to henry.

you make me tremendously happy to hold me undivided--to let me be the artist, as it were, and yet not forgo the man, the animal, the hungry, insatiable lover. no woman has ever granted me all the privileges i need--and you, why you sing out so blithely, so boldly, with a laugh even...
--p. 22, henry to anais.

i loved you when you came and sat on the bed--all that second afternoon was like warm mist...
--p. 24, henry to anais.

i thought of you, of your pressing your legs against me stand up, of the room tottering, of falling on you in darkness and knowing nothing.
--p. 25, henry to anais.

do you think we are happy together because we feel we are 'getting somewhere,' whereas you had the feeling that with june you were being led into more and more obscurity, mystery, entanglements?
--p. 37, anais to henry.

there is a danger, if one doesn't write habitually, that one will lose the habit. i am always in fear of that. and when you are thinking constantly, writing in your head, writing while you undress, what your teeth, scrub the dishes, etc. you get roiled and everything turns to mud.
--p. 37, henry to anais.

i adore you. you make me believe that everything is possible.
--p. 46, henry to anais.

im crazy about you! every time i see you i discover new marvels, new hip lines, new ceintures, new smiles, new dimples, new wicked-nesses. you are becoming a medici. but your writing desks intrigues me most of all. ask me to write about it someday. the geography of it! if you were poor, do you know what i would do? id work for a living--become a barber or a taxi-driver--or a femme de menage. id be wife, husband, poet etc.--all at once. because i love you madly, madly.
p. 65, henry to anais.

i just see you in my arms, writhing, and feel myself deep in you and staying there forever. im hot as hell now--youre no longer the anais i wrote to from dijon. youre not anais of the diary, either. you know which anais i mean. im all yours.
--p. 75, henry to anais.

it is very difficult for me to answer except that you were mistaken about me. i believe until i get hit on the head. don't hit me on the head. i am crazy about you.
--p. 80, henry to anais.

so much literature, so many ideas, which cover up without replacing the human moments when we sit in a cafe, without talking, and i lean my head on your shoulder and say: i dont want to go home now, henry.
--p. 90, anais to henry.

...i lose my mind. to stay with you for one night i would throw away my whole life, sacrifice a hundred persons, i would burn louveciennes, be capable of anything.
--p. 104, anais to henry.

there are passages which seem to defy all explanation, which hover on the borders of hallucination, madness, utter chaos. there are some which are so cruel and revolting that they seem inhuman--they are not thoughts or feelings any longer, but the raw essence of pain and malice. the whole thing is like a bloody emission, the orgasm of a monster, cluttered with snakes and jewels and bile and arsenic.
--p. 117, henry to anais.

i came in high spirits, with intention of putting my arms around you immediately and loving you to death. and then, as always happens--it isnt a new thing!--i enter the house and i am conscious of being a guest, even though a very privileged one. it is not my house and you are not my wife. you stand there in the open door and i always see a princess who for some secret whim has condescended to offer me her love....and a crazy delicacy comes over me and i stand there and shake your hand and talk about intermediate things and i say to myself it's so wonderful here and none of this is real, it's all a dream.
--p. 161, henry to anais.

i have had my more serene rhythm. it was finding you which made me lose it. i have been too happy. i will get quiet now and write my story. turbulence. you and i have to tame ourselves, when it comes to writing.
--p. 213, anais to henry.

bottles are breaking, chairs are sliding, walls are cracking, the portholes are closed.
--p. 233, anais to henry.

all this talk of 'guilt' and 'gratitude,' of writing half-false love letters, half true, half false, sickens me.
--p. 276, henry to anais.

im nuts about you and wondering what hte hell youre doing...
--p. 292, henry to anais.

you and i have had such terrible experiences, harrowing experiences. can't we drown all that in our love?
--p. 298, henry to anais.

time is going on. and we're being cheated of a lot of things--we have only a partial existence together. why blame one another?
--p. 334, henry to anais.

the liberation i feel is undescribable--as if i had been living in a concentration camp. five years of eclipse. every year in america an eclipse. we all felt the change coming. the month at the beach was strange--a colony of 'foreigners,' none of them having taken root, all restless and ready to leave, regretting nothing...
--p. 365, anais to henry (on the end of world war two)

...one has to permit people to become desperate, to become wholly lost, that only then are they ready for the right word...
--p. 376, henry to anais.

...what i am about to learn is simply the meaning of 'home,' the one thing i have never known. and when that finally becomes a part of me it wont matter where or how i live.
--p. 377, henry to anais.

probably if i had then the sense of humour i have today and if you had then the qualities you have today, nothing would have broken.
--p. 395, anais to henry.

becoming light.

2011-10-01T14:58:00.003-04:00

just got my passport.
in my camping backpack.
(read: one i took all around southeast asia).
little 40 litre thing.
god, i miss that.
saw all the stamps on my passport.
head flashlight.
little thai change purses i got on khao san road.
christ--it just makes me want to take off again.
alas.

but, i digress.
this post is another quote post.
since i like to travel lightly these days--keeping all my favourite/tabbed quotes from books i read on here.
under the 'quotes' tag.
sorry, but due to need of fast typing, i did not stay true to her capitalisation.

breezed through erica jong's 'becoming light'.
here are my favourites--

-----------------------

...her shoes which
only she can fill,
her shoes of purple suede and green leather
the color of palm fronds,
her diamond-studded boots,
her feathered bowboy boots,
her flame bowboy boots,
her seven-league epic poetry boots,
her little silver haiku boots
with the tiny heels sthat twinkle,
her first-person platform boots
and her backless glass slippers
modelled after Cinderella's
(one lost, at midnight,
because of a running man)...--ode to my shoes, p. 5

...she once
walked through the night
and loved a man, half-demon,
angel-tongued,
who gave her
everything she needed to be wise:
a daughter,
hell's black night,
then endless
spring.--demeter at dusk, p. 12

...an obsessed life,
infinitely rich,
infinitely ripe,
tasting of peaches
and anemones...--the impressionists, p. 14

And yet I long
for peace
as fervently as you do--
the sweet connubial bliss
that admits no
turbulence,
the settled life
that defeats poetry...--to my brother poet, seeking peace, p. 17

as your love,
a sword made of moonlight
and blood,
and smelling of sex
and salt marshes,
frees me to gaze
with a calm inward
eye.--gazing out, gazing in, p. 43

the boy with eyes of flame,
the bad seed i took
into my body,
the infected needle
i craved more deeply
than health.--the demon lover, p. 46

i want to hate you
and i cannot.
but i cannot
love you either./
it is our old love
i love,
as one loves certain images
from childhood--
shards shining in
the street
in the shit.--i sit at my desk alone, p. 51

i offer my bones,
my poems,
my luck with roses...--love spell: against endings, p. 54

i was sick of being a woman,
sick of the pain,
the irrelevant detail of sex,
my own concavity...--beast, book, body, p. 56

this is a country i dont recognize.
bone-pale girls who have nothing to do with home.
everyone's taller than me, everyone naked.--by train from berlin, p. 80

adam naming the fruit
after the creation of fruit,
his tongue tickling
the crimson lips of the pomegranate,
the tip of his penis licking
the cheeks of the peach,
quince petals in his hair,
his blue arms full of plums...--fruits and vegetables, p. 104

if woman wants to be a poetn,
she should not write her poems with a dildo;
she should pray that her daughters are women;
she should forgive her father for his bravest sperm.--the commandments, p. 112

surely, i'll no longer
fear my dreams.
surely i wont murder
my capitalist father
eac night
just to inherit
his love.--student revolution, p. 128

i thought of you in instanbul.
your byzantine face,
thin lips and hollow cheeks,
the fanatical melting brown eyes.
in hagia sophia they're stripping down
the moslem plaster
to find mosaics underneath.--flying you home, p. 131

we are ink and blood
and all things that make stains.
we turn each other golden as we turn,
browning each other's skins like suns.--we learned, p. 227

i wake up in a waterbed with you.
the sea is singing and my skin
sings agaiinst your skin.--the surgery of the sea, p. 236

after the tangos in the kitchen,
and our eyes fixed on each other at dinner,
as if we would eat with our lids,
as if we would swallow each other...//
i find you still
here beside me in bed,
(while my pen scratches the pad
and your skin glows as you read)
and my whole life so mellowed and changed--after the earthquake, p. 237

because i could not lie in bed with him
without lying to him
or else to myself,
and lying to myself
became increasingly hard
as my poems
struck rock.--the truce between the sexes, p. 305

i am happiest
near the ocean,
where the changing light
reminds me of my death
and the fact that it need not be fatal...--i live in new york, p. 325

there is no more poetry
to be written
of these things.
the rainbow's sudden revelation--
behold!
the cliche is true!--ordinary miracles, p. 339

You hold on, beating
like a little clock,
swiss in your precision,
japanese in your tenacity...--anti-conception, p. 345

all the beds float out to sea!
all the dying lovers wave
to the other dying lovers!
one of them writes on his mistress's skin as he floats.--on reading a vast anthology, p. 354

if you come back
now
before the roadblocks
are too many,
before too many bodies
are stacked
between us,
before the demilitarized zone
fills up with the mud
of betrayal,
and counter-betrayal...
but if we wait
till the bodies pile up
to the sky,
till the blood
dries in the muddy trench,
we may just find
that it turns
to pale powder
and blows away.--if you come back, p. 365

there is only one story:
he loved her,
then stopped loving her,
while she did not
stop loving him.//
there is only one story:
she loved him,
then stopped loving him,
while he did not
stop loving her.//
the truth is simple:
you do not die
from love.//
you only wish
you did.--there is only one story, p. 366

my love is too much--
it embarasses you--
blood, poems, babies,
red needs that telephone
from foreign countries,
black needs that spatter
the pages
of your white papery heart.//
you would rather have a girl
with simpler needs:
lunch, sex, undemanding
loving,
dinner, wine, bed,
the occasional blow-job
and needs that are never
red as gaping wounds
but cool and blue
as television screens
in tract houses...--my love is too much, p. 367